The Weight of Us
by HicEtNunc
Summary: Emma became the new dark one, everyone tries to save her especially Killian. After bringing them back into the Enchanted Forest, she went missing for years. Everyone has given up hoping that she will come back alive. Read and find out! Rated M because of violence, slavery and eventually smut! Please Read and Review!
1. When we were in flames, I needed you

Autors note:

Hello readers, thank you for checking out my first CaptainSwan fanfiction! I have been working on this a lot, changed it a thousand times, so don't expect to get chapters very fast because I always take a long time to write a chapter (I am currently struggling with chapter 5 of this), so please be patient with me! I would love to read your reviews to help me get better and to know what you think of this story, is it crap should I even continue it ...?

And don't be mad at me for any mistakes since my mother's tongue is German not English :)

Killian's POV

Chapter 1 - When we were in flames, I needed you:

**Enchanted Forest: **

Darkness surrounded me, hugging me tightly like a desperate mother clinging to her only child while the life was sucked out of the kid slowly. I could hear not a single sound. Not even my own screams. All was extinguished by the heaps of water. This silence was unbearably when I thought of what was happening on the surface.

I was weightless, floating somewhere between the surface and the ground of the ocean. I had given up my fight against the raging of the ocean. It was useless since I could not tell if the swimming strokes I made got me nearer to the surface or even farther down. My orientation was gone in this blinding darkness.

I did not know how much time has passed. Time did not seem to matter anyway anymore.

Suddenly, my head plunged out of the water. I took deep breaths. The pain was insufferable. Every breath felt like my lungs were being filled with my own blood. Or worse, it felt like I was breathing in some acid which destroyed me from the inside.

Not a single star could be seen on this night. The thick clouds of smoke blocking my vision to orientate myself. I looked around. The ocean was dipped in red and orange shades, you could almost pretend it was the sunrise expect for the sinking ship in the distance and the screaming people on the ship and in the water.

The water was arising like an angry sea-monster, burying men, women and children, displacing them in the depths of the ocean. For most of them there would be no salvation. The ocean seemed to be insatiably for human flesh.

I wanted to find something to pull myself up to. But before I could start looking, another wave swallowed me, bringing me down into the darkness once more. The coldness was creeping up my bones slowly. I was shivering violently. It felt like I was being frozen.

Although every movement hurt, I kept making swimming strokes, kicking with my feet like I fought an invisible enemy. My limbs felt numb and stiff, my muscles were sore from the bitter cold. But the movement made the coldness bearable. It made my heart beat faster.

I could feel the need for air burning in my lungs. And then…

I just let go.

My arms and feet stopped moving. I guessed this was it. I would die here. This was how it was supposed to be. A captain should die in the depths of the ocean, greeting death while being in the soft embrace of the water. Preferable, a captain should sink with his own ship. But the Jolly Roger was long gone. Just like everything else.

My eyes got heavy. The pain of water filling my lungs was fading. But I guessed it was okay. I had nothing to go back to. No one was waiting for me. No one would search for me. There was no one left who cared enough.

My life has become worthless. It should not be prolonged any longer. I have tricked death a lot of times. I have always considered myself as lucky but now I was not so sure anymore. How many lives could have been spared, how much misery could have been avoided if I had died when my time had come, 300 years ago.

My life has been long enough. I was tired of living. It was time to pay the price for all of my sins. I have been so blind all my life. My desire for revenge and vengeance turning me into a person I have never been, I have never wanted to become. I lost myself along the way. I was consumed by the shadows of my past, swallowed by all the darkness.

For someone like myself there was no hope left. I was not really living anymore, I just wanted to reach my goal, to kill Rumpelstiltskin.

But then there was a light in my darkness, shining so bright and strong to banish all the darkness.

Just when I thought of her, there was a ray of light fighting its way through the dark ocean.

Someone appeared in front of me. Golden curls floating around an angel-like face. Green eyes watching me lovingly. Pink lips curled into a smile. A white dress hugging her perfect body. Was this a hallucination or a dream? Was she a siren? Whatever it was, I did not care.

I had tears in my eyes for it has been such a long time to lay my eyes on her. Every hair on my body was upright. Everything else was forgotten. My need for air, my tiredness. I only carved for her touch. I tried to reach her, to touch her, to pull her in my arms, to place kisses all over her body.

She was still smiling at me. Like nothing has changed. Like no time has gone by. Just when I was about to put my arms around her, she transformed into a swan. The light reflecting on its feathers making it appear golden. The swan swam a few times around me and then it swam under my left arm. With a strength that I would not have thought possible of such a graceful animal, it pulled me upwards. We broke through the surface.

I was breathing in heavily, I coughed water. I must have swallowed a lot of salt water. I hoped instantly I did not upset my stomach. My gaze fell to the swan. I nearly had to laugh out loud. It was not a living animal. It was the wooden swan that has been on our ship as a present for a princess living in a far away land. The water must have dived it down.

So she was just a hallucination, what a surprise. Nonetheless, it had been good seeing her. Maybe for the last time. I may not have drowned but I was doomed. I was in the middle of the ocean. I had no supplies. It was only a matter of time.

The ocean has calmed down. The screams have died down. I wondered if there were other survivors or if I was the only one.

There were many good people on this ship. Soldiers, cooks, passengers. I was a sailor on this ship, no piracy, no robbery, I got paid fairly well. It was enough for myself. It would have been a good life…. If I had not been used to the Jolly Roger and being Captain of my own ship.

I clung to the swan. I was floating on the water for hours. I watched the sun rise. My mouth was dry. I wished I had some rum with me. Rum made everything easier. It has been my elixir before her and after her only the more.

I was so tired. I nearly gave into sleep a couple of times. But I was afraid I would let go of the swan in my sleep and drown.

I always looked around. For other survivors. For land. But all I could see was water. This was a hopeless situation. There was only one choice left that I could make. I could either let myself drown or die of thirst.

—-

I was woken by a bucket full of water. Sleep must have overtaken me at some point. I was starring at a mast and sails. I must be on a ship. A black banner was hissed. Pirates.

Then I smelled it. Rum and many unwashed men. A few of them were grinning at me devilishly, others just stared grimly at me. Did they knew who I was? But Captain Hook did not exist anymore. He has become a legend, a fairytale. He was not real any longer.

I could hear whispers, but I could not tell what they were saying. Suddenly, everyone got quiet. The mass of people split into two halves, making space for their - I assumed - captain. I could not see his face for the sun was shining so brightly.

My clothes were sticking to my body - the white linen shirt and the brown trousers. The leather was gone. My skin was strewn with salt - it was really hot on deck, the water must have vaporized. I must look miserable. Good. Maybe they would kill me quickly or leave me at the next port when they realized how useless I was to them.

Whenever the captain made a step towards me, I could hear a clatter. It took me a while to notice the wooden leg of the captain.

I lay huddled on deck. My body still ached. My stomach felt weak. I have not drunken for hours, maybe days. The captain kicked me with his good leg. I crouched because of the pain and let out a strange noise which I could not hold back.

The captain kneeled in front of me. I shaded my eyes from the sun to get a closer look at him. He was defaced. His face looked almost as if it was burned. His left eye gone. Scars all over his left side of the face. Nonetheless, his features seemed so familiar. I knew that I have seen this man before although I could not quite place him.

He grabbed my chin hard and starred at me. „Almost did not recognize ya, Hook." So we really have met before. „I don't go by that name anymore." „I figured so much. No silly hook, no unmanly leather. And yet… you look more ridiculous than ever. You are a shame for all pirates."

He slammed my head against the floor. I could feel blood running down from some wound on my forehead. „I prayed to the gods that I would get the chance to see you again, Hook. After all those years … But I knew that we would meet again, asked a seer. Said it was our destiny to cross paths once again. And here we are. Out of all the rats in the ocean my crew fished you out of the sea."

He smirked at me - at least, I thought it should be a smirk. It was not easy reading his face. „It's a shame that you don't seem to recognize your old friend." And then it hit me. Why his voice was so familiar. It took me so long to realize who he was because I thought that he was dead. And of course because of his face, his beard gone, from what I could tell he now had a skinhead.

„Blackbeard." „Ah, what gave me away? Can't be my face, since I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore after you little brat left me to be mauled by the mermaids." And now I could see what caused his scars. Not flames. Sharp teeth and fingernails. Hungry mermaids that had wanted to tear him apart and eat him alive. Mermaids loved to dine on people who knew exactly what was happening to them, they were spurred by the fear in the eyes of their victims, they loved the taste of human flesh when the heart was still beating.

It was a miracle to me that he has survived. And what torture it must have been.

„You surely wonder how I survived. You see, no one can resist a good deal. But I have lost my leg in the process of presenting my offer. And my left eye. And most of my left side of my face." „It's not that you have been very handsome to begin with." He slammed my head against the deck once more.

„You seem very eager of me killing you. Don't stretch things. Over the years I had many thoughts on how I should punish you and you see… death seemed to be too kind. Then it came to my ears that the dark one has taken your wife from you and I thought Hook surely wants to be reunited with her. So I won't allow you to die!" „You are mistaken. The dark one killed my wife a long time ago." „Yeah, but I am not speaking of Milah. I talk about your second wife. The lovely daughter of King Charming and Queen Snow White. It's a shame I have forgotten the name of your whore, can you jog my memory?"

„How dare you call her a whore!" I jumped up, my fists held in front of me, ready to hit him. But before I could even touch him, I was pinned down. Blackbeard was laughing in my face. The whole crew joined him. I glared at him. After the crew has calmed down, he said: „I have decided a fate for you that is thousand times worse than death. A fate so cruel that you will wish I killed you. In your nightmares you will see me haunting you, you will call me a monster. A monster without mercy and that I am."

He gave some men a wink. I was pulled up and brought to the mast on which they tied me. My back was facing the crew and Blackbeard. I could hear something buzzing in the air. I could not place it.

„You were captain of your own ship for over 300 years. You gave the orders and others followed them. You always did as you pleased, not caring about anyone else but yourself. I figured your freedom meant a lot to you. So that's why I decided to rob you of your freedom."

Something slammed on my back. I could feel the shirt and my skin ripping apart. I was whipped. The whip came down on my back again and again and again. I have never felt such immense pain. I did not want to but I screamed. My eyes were wet, but I would not give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

„Get used to it, Hook. Because I'm gonna sail ya on the slaves market. You will be no free man anymore. You will be no human anymore, you will be a possession and treated as such. You won't be allowed to speak unless someone asks you to do so. After your work is done you will be tied somewhere against a wall, unable to run away. You will slowly rot there. I get my revenge and a lot of money. I am sure that many are willing to pay a lot for the infamous Captain Hook. Maybe one of your enemies has an open business with you."

I got lashed again. I whimpered without my consent. I could not help it. The crew was jelling me a weakling. But I did not care. My vision got blurry. I would pass out soon.

—-

**Flashback: Storybrooke**

I was chasing golden curls, I could only catch glimpses of them now and again. The cornfield was dense and higher than I was tall. Her laughing gave her away all the time. Without it I would have lost her half an hour ago. I speeded up to catch her and suddenly, I was standing in an open area.

There she was standing on a picnic blanket. That sneaky woman has planned this all along. I did not slow down, I ran towards her and once I reached her, I put my arms around her and lifted her up. I was spinning us around.

The sun was shining through her golden hair. Her smile the most beautiful painting I have ever seen. Since we were together I got to see it more often. Not often enough for my taste. She had small wrinkles around her eyes when she smiled like this. I loved every wrinkle on its own, a memory of all the smiles she had given. Her green eyes burning into mine.

I lost my balance and I landed on the picnic rug, she on top of me. We both were laughing. I put a strand of hair behind her ear. She leaned closer and kissed me. My heart still ceased to beat for a few seconds when she kissed me. After all the kisses we shared, every new one was still better than the last.

She was my drug, my new rum. I could not get enough of her. And she tasted so much better than rum. Her soft, sweet lips tasting like pure sin and heaven all at the same time.

I still could not believe my luck. I was a villain, someone without a happy ending. And yet, here I was, the most beautiful woman lying in my arms. We were even thinking about getting a child. A little brother or sister for Henry, who I loved like my own.

I knew that I did not deserve her, that she deserved better. But I would try hard. I would dedicate my whole life to see her happy, to make her smile.

I always dreamed about having a family. I was alone most of my life with only the rum keeping me from running crazy. And now I had her. Emma. And Henry. And David, Mary Margaret and their son Neal. I had friends in Storybrooke. Robin. I even considered Regina as my friend. Ruby, Leroy and all the others.

I was welcomed here in Storybrooke and accepted. It felt good to be needed. It felt good that people asked me for my help, for my advice.

„I love you, Killian." „I love you too, Emma." She placed a cascade of kisses all over my face. We were so distracted that we did not notice the sky getting darker, black clouds above our heads. Some raindrops were hitting us. And then a lightning struck only meters from us.

We both jumped up. I pressed Emma protectively against my body. The cornfield was being split and someone was approaching us. It was the beginning of the end.


	2. Frozen hearts growing colder with time

Chapter 2 - Frozen hearts growing colder with time:

I was waking because of the pang in my back. I growled. I felt very weak as if all my strength has been sucked out of me. I could feel my wounds being dabbed which created thousand little pain waves. I tried to look back to see who treated my wounds but it hurt too much. I sank down again.

What irony. The sea gods had had enough mercy to spare my life but decided I earned being treated like shit. But I got it. It was the punishment for all of my sins, especially for what happened to Emma. I destroyed everything. It was all my fault. I deserved every bit of my new destiny.

Oh my sweet, beautiful, strong Emma. How I wish I could turn back time.

She took all the colors with her. I have been colorblind for almost 5 years now. Not a day has gone by that I have not thought about her. And I was sure I would never stop dreaming about her. Every new day without her was monotonous, bleak and surreal. In my sleep I still searched for her, my hand wandering over the bed as if it would find her curled beside me.

My life has become my worst nightmare. A world without her. A cruel world filled with cruel people. There was only darkness, no light. Only rain, no sun. Only sorrow, no happiness. Only hate, no love.

It took me 300 years to find her and only a couple of years to loose her forever. She slipped out of my reach slowly. I had tried everything to save her and failed miserably. I have left a son motherless, parents childless, friends crying as if they wanted to create a sea of grief dedicated only to her.

But they have moved on. The world did not stop to revolve because she was gone. But my world stopped. I was left behind, waiting for my world to start revolving again, waiting for her to come back to me. Foolish me. The world I knew was gone. Because she has been my whole world.

A cup of water was placed in front of me. Only then I realized how dry my mouth was. A black woman lifted my head and helped me drink. „Soup will be ready in a couple of minutes." „I am not hungry." That was a big fat lie. I could hear my stomach grumble, my stomach would surely eat itself if I did not eat soon. I did not know why I lied anyway. Maybe because I thought I did not deserve it.

„You have to eat. You will need your strength." „Who are you?" She whispered: „My name is Ayana." „Why are you on Blackbeard's ship?" Her voice was almost inaudible now. „For the same reason you are. I was born a free woman, even had documents that proofed it. But they kidnapped me, changed my name."

I had forgotten how cruel pirates were. How cruel I have been. At least, I did not sell people. It was one of the few crimes I did not commit and I was glad I have not blackened my soul more. „I have not seen my children in years." Ayana had tears in her eyes. „I am not allowed to speak of them or mourn them for then I am whipped. They even told me, when I would work hard, I would forget them. No mother can forget her children! This heartless monsters! But one day the almighty Lord will punish their kind all together."

She helped me sit up. My skin felt as if it ripped apart again, as if it has lost his elasticity. Ayana has recovered again. „Your wounds don't seem infected. When you were passed out, I washed them several times." „How long was I asleep?" „A couple of days. I force-fed you and instilled a few drops of water. But you are certainly dehydrated. You should drink lots of water."

„Thank you for your kindness." „Our kind has to stick together." Captain Hook a slave. That was worth a story in Henry's book. I let out a sigh. „What's your name?" So they had not told her. „Killian." She had a bowl of soup in her hand and fed me as if I the weight of the bowl was too much for my strengthless body.

The soup tasted delicious, must be because I have not eaten in days for I did not think Blackbeard provided the slaves with hardly enough to survive let alone delicious food. As he had said, slaves were a possession and treated as such.

After I finished the soup, she gave me another cup of water. I drank thirstily until it was empty. Ayana sat across from me. „So, who is Emma?" She caught me off guard. I could not talk for there was a huge lump in my throat. I instantly felt sweat dripping down my forehead. „You were mumbling that name in your sleep. Is she your daughter?"

I began to understand. She was reflecting her feelings onto myself. She was searching for something we had in common so that we could bond. Or maybe she just wanted proof that she could trust me, that I was as miserable as she was. I still could not respond. I only starred at her, but I could not really see her. I was lost in my thoughts.

„So she was your lover. What happened to her?" I did not know what to say, so I came up with a lie. „She was on the same ship I had been. I don't think she has made it." Ayana took my hand in hers and squeezed it reassuringly. „Believe me, being dead is a much better fate than being a female slave. Blackbeard only kept me this long … because I am his concubine. Unwillingly." „I am sorry for everything you have been through." „It's not your fault."

How wrong she was. Everything was my fault. If I had not attempted to kill Blackbeard, he may not have become this monster he was now. He may not have captured her, separating her from her children. A world without me was a better place. Everyone would have their happy ending. Ayana; Emma, Henry and her parents.

I looked around. We were in a small room, there was barely light in here. It smelled terribly of … rotting food. I hoped the soup was not made out of these musty vegetables. But I guess, as a slave everything you got to eat was luxury. You should be glad to be given food at all. They kept you only strong enough so that you could work, but too weak to rebel against them.

Ayana and me were the only people in here. „Are there others?" She nodded. „They are working on deck now. Captain asked me to watch over you. He did not want you dead since your corpse won't bring him money." „How long till we make port?" „I don't know. Slaves don't get information."

Of course not. What was I thinking.

Suddenly, the door was opened. A member of the crew came in. „So the sleeping beauty finally awoke." He stepped towards me. His fingers brushing over my wounded skin. I growled. He only chuckled. „Bill, what's taking you so long?" „He is awake." Another stepped through the door. He had tattoos all over his body. Even in his face. Bill was facing me again. „Get up and come with us."

Ayana stepped in front of me, glaring at them. I could tell she was trying hard to hold back yelling at them. I pushed her aside softly. As I got up, I whispered: „It's okay."

I followed the two of them on deck. My eyes roamed over deck, I could not see Blackbeard. He must be in his cabin for a rather young looking lass was stirring the ship. I was pushed down on the floor. A rag landed in front of me. „Captain wants you to clean the deck." A bucket full of water was placed next to me. „Scrub. Until. I. Tell. You. To. Stop."

It was humiliating. Captain Hook on his knees, swabbing the floor of some ship. I could not bring myself to do it. I would not give these assholes the view! I did not care about my reputation, but I still had some pride left in me.

The tattooed friend of Bill pressed a foot against my back. It stung. A lot. But I acted as if it did not affect me at all. „This was no invitation. This was a command." Still, I did not move an inch. The foot wandered to my head and pushed me down on the floor. Blood dripping out of my nose. Bill lowered himself to whisper in my ear: „If I were you, I would start following commands because compared to some slaveholders we are being nice like an old granny reading stories to little kids. You should get used to it."

They let go of me, but I still would not move an inch. „You want it the hard way? Fine, your choice." Bill winked at some men who returned shortly after with a kicking and screaming Ayana. Seeing her like this, I realized you would never get used to being the property of someone else. Maybe if you were born a slave and never knew what freedom meant. Maybe if they broke your will since you were a child. But that maybe was not an option for us. For me who has lived over 300 years. It would take a 1000 years to break me.

Bill took the lash from his belt. The tattooed guy held Ayana down. Some other guy has ripped her dress open to reveal a back cluttered with scars, some lighter, some more visible but nonetheless, many.

„You see, if your body does not mean anything to you, I will hurt others. And the captain does not care if one of them dies. I can whip them until their screams are hushed, until they make their last breath, until their lifeless body hangs limp in the arms of the crew. Captain's order was only to keep you alive."

At first I thought he was only bluffing. But then he lunged out. Before he could hit Ayana's back, I screamed: „Stop, I will do as you say. Don't hurt her." The blow of the whip went on the floor. „Good for you." Ayana was brought under deck again.

I dipped the rug in the cleaning water and began scrubbing. Bill crashed the lash on my fingers. The skin sprung open, revealing the flesh beneath. „Next time you disobey me, I won't be that nice." He walked away, grabbed a bottle of rum and watched me intensely.

Although every time I had to wet the rag again my hand burnt, I ignored it. I knew when I was defeated and when it was better to keep your mouth shut and do what is demanded. For a while I could hear the crew laughing and making jokes about me. They called me names. But then, I just blinded them out. I could only feel the sun burning my bare back, the rug sliding over deck again and again and again, now and again a splinter of wood found its way into my skin.

It was a monotonous work. I was surprised how good it was to make your mind go numb. For a few hours I was thinking about nothing, I was not fantasizing about her, I was okay for a couple of hours. Okay not in the physical but in the emotional way.

The sun set slowly, turning the bright day into a dark night. Still, I did not stop because no one told me to. I could not feel my arms anymore, my muscles were sore, my knees were skinned. And then Bill approached me. „You can stop now and get some sleep. Tomorrow new work will wait for you."

I tossed the rag into the bucket and stood up. My back ached after the hours spent kneeling and of course, because of my wounds. I was brought back into the small room. Now all the people Blackbeard wanted to sell, were sitting or lying in the room. It was crowded. There were at least 15 people.

Ayana came towards me, she offered me some water and something to eat. I gladly took it from her. I was nearly starving. While I was eating, Ayana cleaned my wounds again. I was almost used to the stabbing pain now, so I kept a straight face. „I was so scarred they would whip me again … Thank you, Killian." „There is nothing to thank me for. It was the right thing to do." „Not everyone would have chosen like you. I have often enough been lashed for the mistakes of others and they kept their mouths shut. You are one of the good ones. I knew it the moment I saw you."

I doubted it. Emma had wanted to convince me too, that I was a good guy, not a villain. But she was wrong, so so so wrong.

Ayana helped me put on a clean shirt. „You should get some sleep." I lay down and felt how worn out I was. I instantly fell asleep.

—

**Flashback: Storybrooke**

She was lying in bed, starring at the ceiling. Always starring at the ceiling. Her eyes were hollow, there was no sparkle in them anymore. They were hollow. Fear was eating her up. Dark circles were framing her eyes. She often forgot to blink for minutes.

She was sweating bullets. Her skin was so pale, you almost saw all of her veins, making it appear see-through. She has not seen the sun in weeks, although I always tried to persuade her to go outside. But she was as stubborn as ever and I could not even blame her.

No one except myself was allowed to enter her room anymore. She was afraid to hurt them, infecting them with her poison, her darkness.

I would never give up on her. I knew that we would find a way. If there was hope, there was still a way. She still loved me, I could tell. And that was our trump, our only chance.

I lay down next to her and fell asleep. When I woke again, she was not beside me. I panicked, but then I heard the shower. I walked into the bathroom. I could see the outlines of her perfect body through the white shower curtain.

Steam was escaping from the shower. She always liked the feeling of hot water running down her skin. I was surprised that she took a shower without me dragging her into the shower. Maybe she was making progress.

This shower-thing was a great invention. I quite enjoyed it myself. It felt like hot rain. It was incredible. I was thinking about joining her in the shower, but I did not want to overwhelm her. This would be too much for her.

Suddenly, there where a few red drops on the curtain. Was it because of rust? No, that would look more orange-like and not red as Ruby's coat. Then the white curtain was almost fully red. She fell out of the shower, ripping the curtain down with her. I instantly hurried to her side. I snatched the curtain away from her.

She had not even made the effort to strip out of her clothes. A white nightgown, which I had dressed her in yesterday, was sticking to her body. Her pale skin was almost invisible against the bathroom tales.

I said almost because …

There was blood everywhere. Her dress was ruined. Even her hair was dripping with red water. She was a total mess. I had never seen such a horrific picture, it was burnt into my eyes. I would never forget this. She was weeping. I pulled her into my arms, searching for a wound, anything that described the huge blood loss.

She seemed to be okay. I looked down on her hands again and saw fading scars on her wrists. She had slashed them. On purpose. She was so desperate that she wanted to commit suicide. But magic kept her from dying. „Why would you do that, Emma? You have to think about your family … about me. We need you." Her head snuggled into my shirt that was now drenched with water and her blood. I was rocking us gently back and forth, back and forth, until she stopped weeping.

She murmured: „You don't understand. I can't take this any longer! I can't even see my own son! Who knows what I would do to him, what these voices in my head would urge me into! They always want me to bring destruction … death … sorrow. I am weak … so weak. I won't be able to resist them much longer. I try so hard to fight them … "

I knew that she was living with a burden. But I had no idea how sheer the magnitude was. She was not living anymore. She only existed.

She stayed in her room most of the time, staying by herself. She did not speak much. Normally she would not even allow this much body contact. She only ate and drank when I forced her to.

And I knew that this could not go on like this. There has to be a solution to stop her suffering. My suffering.

I surprised myself when I said: „It's okay to let go, Emma." I brushed over her wet hair. I pulled her even closer to my body, placing kisses all over her face. „What do you mean, Killian?" My lips melted with hers. She still tasted like Emma although my Emma was gone. And then I whispered in her ear. Words that changed simply everything. Words that destroyed everything. From that moment nothing was the same.

What I suggested was the biggest mistake of my life.

—

I woke in the middle of the night. I still saw red wherever I looked. The white tiles splashed with her blood. Her pale face. Her golden curls dipped in red. I was breathing heavily, I was shaking as if it happened seconds not years ago.

I stood up. I needed some fresh air. I was surprised to find the door unlocked. I went on deck and bent over the railing. My stomach emptied itself until nothing was left of the few bites of food I have taken yesterday. I still felt sick. I sank down along the railing and took deep breaths.

After my stomach has calmed down and the images were fading, I stood up again and watched the black sea. The sea always soothed me. I could watch it for hours. It was the only thing left that could make me feel better.

Without realizing it, I stepped onto the railing. I stretched my arms from my body. The wind was making my sleeves flutter. It almost felt like flying. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the breeze.

Why should I fight for a life that has been lived? Why should I become a slave when there was no hope of ever reuniting with my family?

It was so easy to just let go. But drowning was such an awful fate. And if there was a god - which I highly doubted but nonetheless - I should not commit another sin. Suicide.

Suddenly, someone grabbed me by the collar and pulled me down. I starred into Blackbeard's eyes. Up this close and in the dark his face seemed even more creepier. He really looked like a monster that not even the sea wanted and so it spit him out.

„Did you really think escaping me was that easy? You cannot run from me." „I just needed some fresh air. If you happened to notice, my accommodation is quite shabby. As an old friend I have expected a little more … hospitality." „You can mock me as long as you want, Hook. And don't take me for a fool. I recognize a desperate soul when I see one." He pulled me even closer.

He was smelling so badly as if the mermaid's pneuma was still sticking on his face, as if their salvia was still dripping from his flesh. „But when you are so eager to get off of my ship, I have good news for you. You will be sold tomorrow." He was watching me closely. My fists were clenched. „So I wish you a good night, Hook. You better enjoy it cause it will be the last one you spend as a free man."


	3. Winter crush all the things I once had

I hope you like the new chapter, took me awhile :) Thank you for reading, favoriting and following my story :)

Chapter 3 - Winter come, winter crush all the things I once had:

Me and five of the other men and women Blackbeard held captured were fettered together. Some members of the crew (among them Bill) leaded us down the ship, we were walking in single file. I could not glimpse Blackbeard. I was surprised that he did not walk in the very front, too eager to finally get his victory over me.

I was not even sure he would sell me to the bidder that offered the most money or rather the one that looked the most gruesome and cruel. I guessed it was the later since he was … like me … when I wanted vengeance. Nothing was as important to him as his revenge, not even money. It was just a nice bonus to my downfall.

It was a rather small port (which I had surely never been to, unless I was too drunk to recognize it now), nonetheless it was teeming with people. Most of the people just walked past us, they looked not even surreptitiously at us, like slaves were normal and not worth a glimpse. Others, the more wealthier looking, were the total opposite, they were watching us intensely, their gazes burning into our backs as if they could see directly through our clothes to check if we were healthy enough, strong enough for whatever they needed us for.

Some of them were discussing, I guessed what price to bid on whom. It was disgusting. What human being could actually buy another human being? It was so wrong. These men and women did not deserve it. What did they ever do wrong to have earned such treatment? If there was a god he surely would not let that happen. But on the other hand … if he really created our kind … he may not have expected how we would turn out. He created paradise for us and we … trampled under foot what he gave us. No he was not to blame … if he even existed.

The only one we could blame were the cruel people. And all of us were cruel.

We reached a tribune. My chains were separated from the others. A man leaded me onto the tribune. My hands were tied up above my head on some rope hanging from a wooden framework. The others who came with me were placed next to me.

A man in formal clothing was standing beside me. He did not talk, he just stood there. After a while the place in front of the tribune filled slowly with people. The man next to me stepped forward and spoke, almost screamed: „Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to today's auction. And what auction it will become for we have some fine specimens from all over the world especially for you." Some were clapping, but only a few.

He was praising the first man on the other end of the tribune. People were listening to his every word, calculating if he was worth his price. Some even stepped onto the tribune, examining the man closer. They undressed him, looking for scars or other wounds that could interfere with him working hard. They forced him to open his mouth, analyzing the health of his teeth. It was horrible. Like he was no person at all and like they were looking for another horse.

After being satisfied with their inspection, they gave their first offers. Too little money in my mind for a human being. Who was to determine the value of a human being? Why was his life not worth a fortune? He would never be a free man again. At least they could pay a lot of money to rob him of his rights.

It got even more awful when the woman next to me was for sale. The filthy men touched her everywhere, gripped her breasts and stripped her until she was standing naked before them. They admired her body and she just stood there if this was normal. I guess she was born as a slave. Other than that I could not understand her calmness.

I would have tried to kick this assholes, scream at them. But I guess that would have made this even worse because I was sure they were allowed to slap her. She was no human to them. She would only be a rebellious thing to them, not worth the money. And who knew where she would land then. Places even darker than here.

The sold people were unchained and handed over to their new owner. I was the last standing on the tribune. I still searched for Blackbeard in the crowd. It took me a long time to see him sitting far in the back in a shady spot, a woman on his lap. He was giving the auctioneer a sign. The man nodded at him and began to speak.

„And now we come to the gem of our auction. Many of you may have heard of him … your children surely have. They creep under their bed when they hear his name, afraid that he will come and get them, displacing them from their home and family and bringing them to Peter Pan. He has encountered with Rumpelstiltskin several times, some even whisper that he has killed him after he dedicated his whole life to find a way to do , now the bells must be ringing. You know of whom I am talking about." Some hysterical women were clutching to the side of their husbands, letting out almost inaudible screams of fear.

„He was also a pirate, he was drunk most of his life, killing, robbery …rape were no tabu to him. But we … we have captured him and tamed him. We took his most precious weapon from him, the one item that created his monicker. Ladies and Gentlemen, I may present you, the infamous Captain Hook." He stepped back towards me again.

The people were stunned, I could tell. No one believed that Captain Hook really existed these days. I have become an old-wives' tale. But I did not care. Captain Hook did not mean anything to me anymore.

The man ripped my shirt away with a knife. „As you can see, he is strong! He will do good work on your farm", he pointed at some man, „ or as your household slave! I am sure that he is a quick learner! Show him what he has to do only once and you never have to show him again."

Then he forced me to open my mouth. „He is in very good shape and health! Just look at his teeth! Have you ever seen such white choppers?" His thumb brushed over my teeth. I felt like an animal for sale.

„Ah June, I wondered when you would arrive." The man bowed in front of a woman who was dressed in a red, low cut dress. A corset over the dress was laced so tight, I wondered if she could even breath in it. Her long, dark hair was pinned up with some loose, curly strands falling over her shoulders. I had to admit that she was quite the view.

She watched me from behind a hand-held fan. Her dark lashes would turn every man insane. But not me. I knew true beauty. And she was beautiful but nothing more. Nothing special. Nothing what I have not seen before.

„Is he to your liking? He could become one of your catamites! He has quite the reputation referring to women." She whispered something in her maids ear. „My lady offers 10 pesos for him." Not much I guessed from the expression of the seller but more than he had gotten for the others. Nonetheless, he had expected more.

There was a back and forth offering between June and the one with the farm. After a while I stopped listening. I looked around. I caught Blackbeard watching us from a distance. He seemed to be pleased with himself. Seeing me this humiliated. I was standing on a tribune, chained, half-naked, the sun was shining in my face, I was sweating. Yeah, I totally got his satisfaction.

He had spent years planning his revenge and I had to admit that he had succeeded. I was the loser. And I would accept every fate that would come not because of what I had done to Blackbeard but because of all my other sins. I needed to be punished. Please let me do the worst work there was, anything to free me of my guilt, anything to clean me of all of my sins, anything to let me forget who I have been. Let every scream stop ringing in my eyes, let every sin wash away from my skin. I was willing to do anything.

Suddenly, a man stepped through the crowd. He was completely dressed in black. His skin (that much that you could see) was white as snow. He had dark circles under his eyes. His black hair was neatly combed back. He looked like death himself. At least that's how I would picture death if it was a person. His expression was blank.

He was followed by two other men who were looking very grim and eager to punch anyone who would come their leader too near. His robe was so long it looked like he was floating. He seemed to be not of this world.

„I am giving you 100 doubloons for him." Now the auctioneer was grinning from one ear to the other. That was more of his liking. He would be a rich man, even if he had to give most of the money to Blackbeard. Blackbeard also looked satisfied.

The people whispered. It seemed to be a scandal to waste that much money on a single slave. The auctioneer panicked and before the gentlemen could back off of his offer, he screamed: „Sold to the Gentleman in the front!"

He took the gold from the weird man. I was unchained. My hands felt numb from the time being clamped to the wooden framework. I was rubbing them to get my feeling back. I was pushed forward and given over to the two bodyguards of my owner. My face straightened even thinking of this word. But I would not complain. I would never complain. Not after everything I have caused.

One of the hulks was walking in front of me, the other one behind me so that I was trapped between them. He was so big he blocked my way to see where we were heading. I saw nothing but fat and sweat in front of me.

Suddenly, a snowflake was landing on my nose. I looked up and saw uncountable flakes falling onto the ground. It was the first snow this year. I never have liked winter but now … after all the things I have once cared for are gone, I could see it's beauty. It's coldness making my heart brace itself for the hard times that were about to come, making me drifting away from my past like two sheets of ice, although I would always wear them at heart. They made me who I am today. Not Captain Hook but the stronger man I have become once again because of them. Killian Jones. And I was thankful for that.

We were walking what felt like hours. The ground has turned completely white. There were only the footprints of the hulk in the front and of my ‚master'. So we were walking in a widely deserted area. Or maybe everyone else stayed at home because of the weather. It got very cold quite quickly.

And then we came to a halt. The hulk stepped aside and I could see a small bay with a mooring place. But there was no ship. I was questioning what we could be doing here. I looked around and there was nothing else I could see. Only trees, snow and the water in front of us.

The man who bought me was starring at some point in the ocean far away from us, as if he was waiting for something. A sign. A ship. Whatever.

Nervously I shifted from one foot to the other until one of the hulks pressed their hand on my shoulder with so much force that I felt weighed down. I looked at him and he was shaking his head.

Then his gaze fell to the ocean also. What were they staring at?

And then suddenly, I could make out white sails, a black flag was hissed. I would have recognized this ship from a thousand others. I was so surprised because I thought I would never see it again. My home for over 300 years. The Jolly Rodger.

I nearly shed tears of joy. How was this even possible? The man I had traded my ship wanted the Jolly Rodger to take it to its pieces. With the kindling he wanted to make magical objects since the Jolly Rodger was made out of magical wood. Wood that did not exist anymore.

One of the hulks stepped back and brushed the snow from some object to reveal an old looking chest. He looked at the creepy guy who nodded at him. The hulk opened the chest in which was another box. He carried the box to me. He signed me to open it.

Reluctantly, I did. In it was lying my hook. At least a hook that looked very similar to mine. The other hulk has put a leather coat around my shoulders.

This was all so confusing. What did this all mean? Was I going crazy? Was this some delirium-dream?

I could not withhold any longer and asked: „Who are you?" „My name is Geoffrey Smith." „What do you want from me, Mr. Smith?" „I am just acting on my commands. Which means you do not belong to me but to my master." „Am I going to meet him anytime soon?" Smith was grinning at me, alongside the two hulks. „No, my master does not wish to be found out." Found out, huh? Has he something to hide? Or maybe he was an important person? A king maybe who did not want anyone to find out that he just bought a pirate.

„And what does your master expect of me?" „My master wants you to become Captain Hook again. You will sail your old ship, have your old crew and you can drink as much rum as you want." „What's the catch?" „You will get orders from my master through me and do what I tell you. Other than that you will stay a free man. Just like before."

One of the hulks grabbed my good hand and Smith pierced my finger with a pin. He caught the few drops of blood in a little container on his ring. I did not question his actions. I was too excited to step on the Jolly Rodger once more. I could not await it.

„And we have a first job for you." He handed me a piece of paper. I looked at it. There was a name written on it. Lucinda Evergreen. „You have to find this woman." „Why?" „That is no concern of yours. Just do it."

The Jolly Rodger landed at the mooring place. Smith walked towards the ship. „I hope you won't disappoint my master. My master thinks very highly of you." I stepped onto the plank that lead to the deck and noticed that I was not followed.

„You are not coming with us?" „No, our master is awaiting us." „And when I have found this woman? How am I going to contact you?" „Don't worry. We will find you."

This guy really freaked me out. He was talking so monotonous, like he had no feelings left. And I had no idea what he was talking about. But I did not care. I turned around and walked onto the Jolly Rodger and was greeted by the same old faces. „Captain!" „Smee, I was never happier to see your chubby face!" I pulled him into my arms, lifted this small figure up and turned us around. I was laughing. Really laughing. I have not felt so good in years.

„Set the sails, we are leaving this goddamned place!" The crew just stared at me. Smee stood next to me, almost looking like he was admiring me. He snapped out of his daydreams and yelled at the crew: „Are you little sitting wee'ers all deaf! You heard the captain's commands!" Then chaos broke out, every man was running on deck, getting to their posts. I heard the usual swears and curses while they all got ready to set sail.

I walked to the stirring wheel. I brushed over the wood. My hands entwined with the stirring wheel. I closed my eyes and in front of my eyes I could see all the times I stirred the ship, all the exotic places we have been, all the adventures we have experienced. This felt like a dream. I could still not believe it.

I glanced back at the jetty but the three shapes were nowhere to be seen. How did they do this? Appearing and disappearing as they pleased. This was smelling like … MAGIC. I distorted my mouth. I hated magic. It always came with a price. Prices that had to be paid with tears. With pain. With blood. Prices that were simply too high to even consider using magic.

Smee, the small guy, was running as fast as he could, panting like an old lady while climbing the steps which were simply too high for his little legs. He carried a tablet on which two glasses and a bottle of fine rum were standing. „Thought (pant) you (pant) want (pant) some." He handed me a glass and we touched glasses and emptied it. We both watched the crew working.

My good hand rested on his shoulder. „Smee, I never thought I would see any of you again." „Yeah, we all thought that we have retired from being a pirate. But you cannot flee from your destiny, huh?" „Where have you been, Smee?" „Oh… many places. I just enjoyed my life, I had enough money left of our time together to be lazy the past years."

„Will you miss it?" „Nah, it was simple, it was great while it lasted but this is what I missed. The Jolly Rodger, the ocean…" He looked at me, there was an unspoken „you" hanging between us and I knew what he meant. We were his family.

And I could totally understand him for missing the pirate's life. Even though I was happy with her, the happiest man alive, the ocean was still calling me. But I never answered since I had no reason to. Everything that I had cared for has been in Storybrooke and staying turned out as the greatest adventure there ever was. I have never regretted staying not even after … everything has happened.

„And how did you get on the Jolly Rodger?"

His face went from red to white. He made a step towards me and whispered in my ear as if afraid of who might listen to us. „We just woke up one day, lying in our old bunk beds and hammocks. No one had any memory of how we got here." „So you did not find the ship?" „No, it found us. All of us. Even the ones who were in other realms - it did not matter where we were." „Every single one of my old crew is here?" „To the very last man."

„Well, looks like someone has done his job quite carefully." Smee nodded absently. „Bring me some more rum, Smee. It is time to drink to the old times!" „Of course, Captain." He hurried away.

Why did anyone want me to become Captain Hook again? Why resurrect an old legend? But the someone has made his research. Not even I myself knew every single man on my ship, for remembering them I had Smee.

But after hearing this story, I was sure of one thing. Smith was working for someone who could use magic.

—

1 month later:

I never started looking for this woman. Not because I wanted to disobey but because I would not hand over an innocent woman to some magician. Who knew what he would do to her, what she owed him. You could never know with these manipulators. They always promised you paradise but all you ever get from them is hell.

And I would accept any punishment if my „owner" would show up. But I did not want to commit any more sins. I was done with that. And being Captain Hook … was a sin in itself.

Since one month we have been in Tortuga. The crew was enjoying their time in the uncountable taverns, with the shabby ladies of the night. You could hear them sing silly pirate songs in the taverns, others who did not knew the lyrics where just roaring and clapping. They drank much rum which was too expensive for it tasted like piss. But they had a good time. I allowed them their good time but I just could not bring myself to join them. I was not Captain Hook anymore.

I was sitting on a bench in a calmer area of Tortuga. I drank from my bottle of rum. I enjoyed the quietness of this place. No music, no drunken, shouting people.

Suddenly, a door swung open and a furious looking woman stormed out, followed by a young lass. She was yelling at him and he looked guilty.

They remembered me of this huge fight I had once with Emma. It was about something so silly I could not even recall it now. She was also yelling at me, she even raised her hand against me, slapping me. Then she looked shocked about what she had done, before I could assure her that it was okay, that she has not really hurt me, she ran away.

This had been our first serious argument. I was instantly sorry because I was the one who initiated it. I guess it has been about Henry, because the only times we fought afterwards were because of Henry. Not because of something he had done, but because of something she thought was too dangerous for him and I was of other opinion.

I waited hours for her to come back. I walked circles, chewed my fingernails and watched the clock every second she was gone. All I could think about was making it up to her. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to hug and kiss her. Time seemed to stand still while she was gone. Every second felt like a little eternity. The sun just did not want to set.

I could not stand that she was angry at me. I never ever wanted to fight with her again. It was such a worse feeling screaming at her and seeing her lovely face turn into some mask because of rage.

When she finally came back, she had puffy eyes. I could still see tears glittering on her cheeks. When she caught sight of me, she looked … surprised. There was no better word for her expression. I walked towards her. Words lying on the tip of my tongue about how sorry I was. But I did not get the chance to speak first.

„You are still here?" She asked with doubt in her voice as if she did not trust her own vision, as if she thought she was hallucinating. Her hands cupped my cheeks as if to make sure that I was truly there.

„Of course, I am. Where else would I be?" „I was so mean to you … I thought you would leave me." She started to cry again. I pulled her into my arms and brushed soothingly over her back. „Love, we both said words we regret but let me tell you this, I am never going to turn my back on you. I will stay forever with you." „Forever is a long time." „Forever and ever, love, until you are sick and tired of seeing me."

She had kissed me and I could taste the love she felt for me on her lips. And then she asked me a question I never thought hearing from her. Not in a million years would I have imagined hearing these words in exact that order out of her mouth. „Killian Jones, spend the rest of my life with me. Make me the happiest woman by becoming my husband. Marry me …"

‚Marry me' was still echoing in my ears. I could feel the need of crying but there were no tears left. The memory of her fades with every passing day and I was left hanging on to the ghost of her words. Her smiles. Her touch.

I was always told that time could heal all wounds but that was a lie. The pain of loosing her still remained and would never fade because every day I was thinking about the things we could have experienced together, the time she was and is missing with Henry, the children we could have had.

She left me behind. I cannot erase her from my mind. I cannot move on and I will never be able to.


	4. I want all that is not mine

abonnett13: thank you for your review :) It is very much appreciated :)

I hope you all like the new chapter :)

Chapter 4: I want all that is not mine:

Another month later we were back sailing the oceans. I could no longer bear being around so many people. The ocean was the only thing that comforted me. Not talking to people, not drinking, just being on the ocean. With the wind in my face, the taste of salt and rum on my lips while stirring the ship. That is where I belonged.

I was lying in my cabin, starring at the ceiling. The soft rocking of the Jolly Rodger was lulling me. I could feel myself drifting into sleep.

—

The cornfield again. But this time the darker part about that day. My dream turned everything black and white. She was the only thing that was in color. Her white dress, her golden curls, her emerald green eyes. I could only stare at her although I did not at that time.

I looked in the direction she was looking. The parted cornfield. The dark figure approaching us. A dagger raised above his head. It started raining and lightnings hit only centimeters next to us. She tried to reason with him, to talk to him. But he had again been drinking. For years he has been fighting with depressions and guilt. Guilt about his son giving up his life for him. He drank to persuade himself he was not the reason his son was dead but because of other reasons. Reasons that only made sense in his mind.

„Go away, dearie, I do not want to hurt you. He is the reason I am here!" He pointed at me. Madness glittering in his eyes. „Mr. Gold, stop!" She screamed while placing herself in front of me, protectively. „No! If he had never existed my son would still be alive! He turned his mother against him, he is the reason I turned into a monster, he is the reason I abandoned my son!" „That's not true and you know it."

With magic he lifted her up and threw her a few meters away. She was lying unconscious on the floor. I screamed her name but she did not respond. „Leave her out of this! This has always been between the two of us, crocodile." „This time no one will stop me from killing you. Not even Belle." „What did you do to her?" „Nothing, I could never hurt her! I just locked her up."

He made a step towards me with his knife still lifted. He aimed for my heart but I dodged and he missed me. He kicked me hard and I fell to the ground. He lunged for me again, his body over mine, his weight pressed me down. My hands pressed against his hands in which he held the knife, inches away from my heart. He was stronger than I had imagined and I knew that if his mind was clear, I would not have the slightest chance against him. But he was mentally not right. You could tell by the way he looked. His beard grown, his hair criss-cross, clothes that did not match.

I kicked him off of me, in the process he lost the sword and I kicked it away. I tried to talk to him, to make him see reason. But there was no chance.

„I don't need a knife to kill you… I still have magic." Although he stood a few meters away from me, I felt his arms around my neck. He strangled me. I was sure if I got out of this alive, I could see every single finger as a bruise on my neck. He chocked me with so much force that after a few seconds, my vision turned blurry, sometimes it was even gone for a few seconds. I could not breathe anymore, my lungs were burning because of the lack of oxygen. I could feel blood running down from my nose.

I tried to loosen his grip, but how do you fight something invisible? There was no chance I would win this time. He walked towards me, he looked me grim in the eyes. „Greet Milah when you see her in hell."

But then suddenly, his expression changed, he looked surprised and then his face softened. I fell to the ground, breathing in heavily and coughing. I looked up again and saw that the tip of a knife was looking out from above his heart. Blood was soaking his shirt. But he was smiling, he seemed so peaceful as if a burden has been lifted from him. Then he broke down and I could see Emma standing behind him. The knife that had stuck in Rumpelstiltskin's body in her hands. His knife. The dark one's knife.

She looked shocked. I hurried to her, grabbed her by her shoulders and shook her. „What did you do?" „He was killing you …" „Oh my beautiful Emma, what have you done?" I was looking at the knife, seeing as Rumpelstiltskin's name was disappearing slowly. „Do something, Emma, heal him!" „How?" „Use your magic. Save him."

She sat next to him, her hands stretched over him. She had her eyes closed. I watched her nervously. But it was too late. He was gone. He had made his last breath, breathing out his soul.

I fetched the knife and turned it around. It was not blank, there was a name written on it, although it was not Rumpelstiltskin's anymore. It was a name that had fallen from my lips a thousand times. Emma.

—

I leaped up. Sweat was running from my forehead. I hated these dreams. The rum made them even worse because it made them come more frequently. And I always knew that I was dreaming, I even had some control while asleep, at least to some extent. But even in my dreams, I could not prohibit it. She always ended as being the dark one.

I looked out of the porthole. It was dawning. I washed my face and dressed in my leather pants. I saw myself in the mirror. I looked like Captain Hook again. The leather was clinging to my body, there was not much left for imagination. It emphasized every muscle on my body. And yet … I did not feel like the dashing rapscallion I once believed I was.

I put on my leather coat and pulled it closer around my shoulder. It was a cold morning and I was freezing. I walked over to my desk and sat down. A map was unfolded on the desk, some marks were on it. Legends of treasures that were buried in those places. All those islands we could discover, all those adventures that could be ours. I still have not made up my mind what to do next.

A glass of wine was still standing on the map where I have forgotten it yesterday. I was not that fond of wine but it reminded me of better days. Times when we had family dinners or times when we were alone at home cuddling on the sofa. The taste of wine on my tongue made me recall how sweet her lips had savored while kissing her.

All of a sudden, the door to my cabin flew open and Smee burst in. „I do not wish to be disturbed now, Smee. Come back later." „Captain, there is an emergency." His face was ashy and his expression looked like he had seen a ghost. „What is it? We are in the middle of the bloody ocean!" He still urged me to come with him. I went in the front and he followed me, it almost appeared as if he was hiding behind my back.

„What is it Smee?" „Look." His finger pointed somewhere in the not so far distance. There was something approaching us although I could not tell what it was. The whole crew was gathered on deck, waiting for the thing to reach us. Some even had weapons in their hands, ready to fight whatever was coming for us. Their expression was grim. Most of us had lived for over 300 years, they would not allow us to be killed by whatever was there in the water.

And then the thing emerged. We could see a mast and sails. This just made no sense. Suddenly, a whole ship appeared in front of us. Completely dark. It looked abandoned, I could not make out a single man or any light.

Smee let out a scream. I could hear whispers and everyone whispered the same. The Flying Dutchman. I turned around. „Fools, this cannot be the Dutchman. It is just a myth, nothing real." „C-c-c-captain, you are Captain Hook. Most people do not believe you exist either. And haven't you learnt form our time in Storybrooke that…" „Enough."

The Flying Dutchman was not real. It was based on mirages from people who have been dehydrated and have not eaten for days. A ghost ship. Ridiculous. Nonetheless, I could feel how every hair on my body was upright, how tensed my muscles were.

I looked through my telescope to watch out for any sign of life. And then, I saw a very familiar face. He has not changed at all over the past 2 months, he looked just as I remembered him. His black hair neatly combed back as if he had used hair gel. Smith.

„That's not the Flying Dutchman. That's the guy who brought us all back on the Jolly Rodger."

—

„There is no use in fighting us. We are not going to hurt you. My master just wants to talk to your Captain. Alone." Smith was looking at me. The two hulks also have followed him on my ship. „If you would please follow us, Mr. Jones." Everyone of my crew raised their weapons. „It is okay. I will be back in a few moments." Hopefully.

They walked me to a very big cabin. On our way there I could see no one else. But they could not sail the ship alone. That was not possible.

The ship has not seemed this big from the outside. I looked around. There were many caskets filled with gold, gems and other treasures. There was no one there to guard the valuable objects. Although I was not a practicing pirate for years, i could not help myself and slipped a few items in my pockets. i doubted that anyone would notice the missing pieces.

There were also weapons lying around. I hid a sword under my coat. They made me disarm before we entered the cabin and you never knew when you have to fight for your life. It was better to be prepared.

Then I sat down. I was curious meeting Smith's master. What made him change his mind about revealing himself? I thought he wanted to stay hidden, unknown.

All at once, there appeared a throne opposite the chair I sat on. A desk between us. On the throne someone was sitting but I could not see his face since he had a helmet on. So, he had not made up his mind about showing me who he really was.

„Hook, you highly disappointed me. After all I gave you your freedom back and how do you repay me? By wasting your time in Tortuga." A very low voice spoke from behind the helmet. It was also very muffled. And it sounded … unreal, like a ghost whispering.

„Pirate", was my only answer while I shrugged my shoulders. I ate some of the fruits which were standing on the table. „You don't seem to take this very serious. You do understand that I have ways and means to do what I want you to do. You are my slave. My property." „I am no one's property! It's a shame you think that you can buy another human being without him rebelling! You could at least have given me the chance to fight for my life. I would rather be dead than work for someone like you."

„Someone like me?" „Don't take me for a fool, magician. I know what you are. But I don't want anything to do with your hocus-pocus. Curse people, kill people, I do not care as long as I am not involved." I heard an inhumanly laugh coming from behind the helmet. He stood up and walked leisurely towards me.

There was something odd with his walking although I could not quite tell why. He leaned against the table a few millimeters away from me. „You thought I would kill her?" „Who are you talking about?" I played dumb. I just wanted to go back to my ship. „Lucinda Evergreen. I only wanted to offer her a deal. I would not have hurt her."„What's with your kind and the deal making?" „It's exciting. One good turn deserves another, don't you think?" „No. Your deals always come with a price and consequences. Why can't you just do something good without wanting something in return?"

„I guess, that just does not lie in our nature. We just do not want to waste our magic for … nothing."

„Hm…but when you are so powerful, why did you hire a pirate to search for her? Can't you just abracadabra and poof! you stand before her?" Again a chuckle from his direction. „Because I cannot track her. She is a witch and a seer."

„And you thought that a pirate captain had more luck than you?" „You have many connections in this realm. I thought you could call in some favors." „I HAD connections here." „So I have heard. Such a shame. You could have been so useful to me, Hook."

I stood up and wanted to go. But suddenly he materialized in front of the door I had wanted to take. „Where do you think you are going?" „I thought that we were already finished. Remember, I won't do anything unmoral. I am completely useless to you." „I decide if you are useful to me or not. You still owe me. You could at least show me some gratitude for giving you your life back."

„Fine, then tell me, what do you want from me." „Not so fast. First I want to give you the chance to fight for your life, pirate, just as you have asked of me." He drew his sword and held it against my throat. „But if I fight for my life, it will be a fight to death. I don't do things half-heartedly." „Well, then good luck to you."

I pushed him back with my feet and took the sword out of its hideout. Before I could blink, he had lunged for me, his sword meeting mine. Steal against steal. As he stood in front of me, I could see that he was not very tall. He was dressed all in black. His clothes seemed to be too big for him. But I was not here to judge him. I just wanted to be left alone. I did not want anything to do with magic and the one's that used magic.

We were hewing and stabbing. We were both in good forms. He knew exactly what he was doing with his sword. He seemed to have had an extraordinary teacher. More than once he had me cornered. But I was a pirate and had a few tricks of my own.

„You are pathetic, Hook. It's like you are begging me to kill you." As if to demonstrate his words, his sword hit me in my shoulder. Nearly a grunt because of the pain slipped out of my mouth, but I could suppress it. His sword bore into my flesh. Deeper and Deeper.

„What has become of you, Hook. You are nothing like the man I remember." So he knew me. „You are so weak." I could feel inch for inch as the sword ripped my insides apart. „You were the most feared pirate Captain and now … you look wasted. As if the 300 years of your life have crushed down on you all at once." He drew his sword out of my shoulder. My hand pressed down on the wound to stop the blood from flowing. „Where is your energy? You were known for your excessive parties, your lust for rum and women, your ruthlessness against your enemies! And look at you now!"

He kicked me and I tumbled. „You did not last 5 minutes against me. I was led to believe that you were a different person. I heard of your adventures, that your hunger for gold and jewelry was insatiable. What happened to you?" I was breathing heavily. My shirt was blood-soaked. Sweat was on my forehead. „You don't even fight me! You are just watching me while I am killing you."

He leaned down to me. His black helmet inches from my face. His voice was ringing in my ears. „Who has made you this weak? Who has wrecked you this much? You are different from what I had expected you to be."

When his sword crushed down on me again, I parried. „Don't waste your breath for such useless words. I don't know what you are gaining for, mate, but if you were thinking that you hit a sore spot, you are wrong."

I pushed him back and made him trip over my other foot. My sword went down on him, while he was falling, ripping his shirt open. He lay on the floor. He was breathing in heavily. My eyes wandered over his body, searching for blood. Instead, I could make out a fine corset, holding rather huge breasts in place. Well, I liked the direction in which this was going. „Well, you are also very different from what I expected you to be, love."

Smith had never mentioned that his master was a he or she, I just assumed it was a guy. That's why ‚he' walked so odd in my eyes. It was just too much hips-shaking for a guy. She has tried to conceal her curvy body with wide clothes. And I admit that she had me fooled.

How was it even possible that she wounded me this quickly? She was a girl. I should have beaten her.

She picked herself up again rather quickly and struck even more fiercely than before. But I met her with equal force. I would not loose to this girl. Again. The instance I thought of my defeat, a wave of pain ran through my body, coming right from my shoulder.

I ran out of breath while she chased me around in the room. She fought as if we had just began while my arms began to get heavy and my strokes started loosing their force. Our fight seemed to last for hours and then finally, I hit her again.

This time my sword met flesh and I drew blood. I paused and watched as blood was dripping from her arm. But I did not feel the satisfaction I hoped to feel. I rather felt … guilty. This felt wrong. She was a woman. You did not fight against woman. Even if she was a cold-hearted, ruthless magician.

„I am sorry." She laughed out loud. „What is it? Can't you see blood? Watch out or you'll get yourself dirty." She knew exactly how to trigger my anger. „I meant to say, I am sorry I did not kill you." „Then try harder, maybe you succeed."

She fought me till I was standing against a wall. I was exhausted. Every muscle in my body hurt, my back was tensioned since the wounds did not fully heal. I knew I had no chance against her and yet, I tried my best. What a pity that I had to give away my weapons or she would not have stood a chance against me. The only way I could have won was to fight dirty, bringing a gun into the game.

With one final hit of hers, my sword flew away. I was not even surprised. And I highly honored her for defeating me this easily. She played me like a boss.

The tip of her sword was pressed lightly against my throat, it felt almost as if I was tickled. „You bested me, love." In spite of myself I was smiling at her. She did not move, just as if she was deciding what to do. „Go on, darling. Kill me. I will never be loyal to you, so just get it over with." Her sword pressed harder against my throat, so hard that she drew blood. I could feel the drops of blood running down my skin.

I was awaiting her final stab, a stab that would finally deliver me from this hell I was living in. I closed my eyes. „What a weakling has become out of you, Hook. Do you really think that your suffering will end after I kill you?" „Living is not made for everyone, Darling. I have nothing left to loose, only having left everything to gain. To die would be an awfully big adventure for someone who has lived for over 300 years, don't you think?"

She laughed at me again. „No, the only reason you want to die is because you think that she is awaiting you there, don't you? After all those years you have given up searching for her, you just assumed that the magic has taken her life as her price to pay for the curse she has put on all of you. It was just the easier way for you, pretending that she was dead, wasn't it? That you would spend eternity in hell together. You and your Emma finally united."

I felt so numb because everything she said was true.

—

Flashback:

„It's okay to let go, Emma." „What do you mean, Killian?" „It's simple. Your feelings are eating you up. So we need to remove the source of your feelings. Take your heart out. You can do it. Just as long as we find another solution." „But then I won't be human anymore." „I will watch over you. I will be your conscience, I will never leave your side."

„No, I cannot do it. I don't want to loose myself." „Love, you are already lost. This no life you are leading. You need to move on."

She did not need much convincing. She was too exhausted because of all the inner battles she had to fight with herself for months. Before she ripped her heart out, she whispered, no pleaded with me: „Keep Henry safe for me." „I promise."

Her heart was glowing the brightest red I have ever seen. She had not blackened her soul up to this point. We both stared at it for a while. I took it from her and locked it away safely. I was the keeper of her heart.

And then … I could do nothing but watch her change from minute to minute. She grew into this stranger that I feared she would become. She was cold, distant and cruel. The only thing she cared about was how to get more powerful, which meant get more wealth, more magic. She threatened people, she tortured people, some even disappeared in her castle which she had created with magic.

I inaugurated her parents after a couple of weeks, how their daughter has now successfully become the dark one thanks to me. I could not even look them in the eyes because I knew that I was the reason all of this has happened. If I had not been in Storybrooke, she had not tried to save me with killing the crocodile.

But even after they heard me out they did not hold a grudge against me. They even came up with a plan. Snow knew from Belle that true love could even break the curse of being the dark one. So the plan was to put her heart back in and bring her to kiss Henry for he was her true love.

When the time had come to perform the plan, her heart was gone. She must have taken it. I was doing an awful job in keeping her human.

Nonetheless, Snow was sure the plan would work even without her heart for Regina broke Zelena's curse without her heart. But no matter what we tried, Emma stayed the dark one, she practiced magic and did not care about any consequences. She has turned into the monster Rumpelstiltskin has been at his darkest days. Without her heart and the darkness consuming her, true love had no chance. In the process of getting her back Henry got hurt, not bad but it changed her even more. She kept to herself in her castle, only the gods knew what she was doing in there.

Even Regina was afraid of her, although her light magic has become stronger with every single day she spent happy with Robin, Roland and Henry. They were even expecting another child. And maybe that is the reason she was so afraid. She did not want to lose her happy ending again. None of us wanted, but we had no saying in the matter.

And then one day I could not stand it anymore and burgled into her castle. I missed her and I regretted ever advising her to rip her own heart out. She did not get better, she only got evil because of her lack of heart. All I wanted was to stop her torture but now I could only think of the torture it must become to put her heart back in. All the horrible things she has done. Would she ever able to process her time as dark one or would she break under the weight of her sins?

I was watching her. She threw unidentifiable things into a big bowl. „I had already given up expecting you here. I thought you would never come." „You were awaiting me?" Her words gave me hope. Hope, that we could go back to the way we have been. „But you are too late." A last ingredient landed in the bowl and pink mist was crawling out of the bowl.

„What have you done, Emma?" She approached me. „I am bringing us home. This is not our world, a world without magic, without power. We are all going back to the Enchanted Forest." „What about Henry? Is he doomed to stay here? To grow up without his family, like you?" „Of course not. He is coming too. All of us are."

She walked onto a balcony and watched as the town was floated by the pink mist. I watched her closely. She had dark circles under her eyes, she looked exhausted. She was clinging to the railing, almost as if she was afraid that she might lose balance without it. I stepped next to her.

„I am sorry." „For what?" She kept staring at the town, it was almost swallowed by the cloud that glowed pink and was filled with what looked like lightning. „I let you down. I promised to watch after you, to keep you human." She faced me, a smile on her lips. A smile that was not real, it was just a fading memory of all the smiles she had given me. Her hands brushed my cheek. „Don't blame yourself. We never had a chance against this evil."

She kissed me and although I knew that my Emma was gone, I still responded to the kiss. „You are my weakness, Killian. That's why the darkness in me could not trust you anymore with my heart. It was afraid you would turn it into light again."

It had been a long time since I was her this near physically. I kissed her, I touched her, I explored her body anew, I made love to her until the pink mist was surrounding us, swallowing us, until all I could see was blackness.

When I woke up in the Enchanted Forest, I was alone. It took me a whole day to find the others. There was no trace of Emma. The king and queen gave me every man they could spare to find their daughter. They consulted every magician, every witch, every seer but she still was missing. She could not be tracked, not in this dimension or in any other.

Over the years we all have lost hope to ever be reunited with her. Nonetheless, I was still searching for her until I was the last man on the mission. A man could only bear so much hurt and even I had to realize that it was hopeless that something had went wrong with her spell. That the magic must have killed her. It was a powerful spell after all, reverting Zelena's and Snow's spell and bringing all of them back. And magic always came with a price.

Her parents gave her a funeral, although the coffin stayed empty. It was just their way to let her go. After all they had Neal to look after. They could not be selfish and grieve forever. Their kingdom needed them. Not even I could condemn them although I did at the beginning. But it was their way to move on.

They always tried to convince me to stay and help them rule, be an adviser, teacher and friend to Neal and Henry while they were trained to rule the kingdom. But I just could not. I decided to wander from one place to the other. Not hoping to find her, but to find peace and forgiveness somewhere, somehow.

I never succeeded.

I could only pray that one day I would see her again. I was not deluded, I knew that I would never see her alive. That I would have to die to be reunited with her. And yet, killing myself was never a question since I did not earn such mercy. I have destroyed so many lives, I had to be punished. But someday death would come to me and I would greet him like an old friend.

—

„But your hopes are in vain. She won't be there." „How would you know?" „After all my planning to get you here, you still don't know? Who could have made all of this possible? The Jolly Rodger back in its pieces by that repaying an old depth, your crew gathered together, Blackbeard as my middleman, it took me months to track him down, that son of a bitch." I still could not follow her and stared at her confused.

„Someone with power. Someone with magic. Someone very close to you. Only one person is able to make such miracles come true. And I can assure you, I am no genie in a bottle. So, who am I?"

She lifted her helmet. Golden curls falling down, framing her face. She was more beautiful than I remembered. Her high cheekbones, her rosy lips and of course her gem-like eyes but looking closer … they were much darker than I remembered. And this darkness in them was my fault, mine alone.

„The dark one", her voice echoed through the room.


	5. I know you regret it, love

Hello readers, I am back (finally!). I had problems with my computer, who was being repaired but then could not be repaired, so I had to save money to buy a new one. I know that you had to be patient and I hope you did not loose interest in this story! I hope you like the new chapter! Please read and review :)

**abonnett 14:** thank you so much for reviewing again :) I am so glad you like it!

**( nix_mixx_94)( would not let me upload your real username :O) :** I am glad you like it so far :) I hope your excitement increases with this chapter :D

Chapter 5: I know you regret it, love:

I could not decide what to do. I was torn between standing there like I was glued to the spot and embracing her, touching her and smothering her with kisses. But although I wanted to get nearer to her more than anything in the world, I had no longer control over my body. I could just stare at her and see her in all her beauty.

Her blonde curls were longer than ever, reaching the small of her back. Whenever she turned, the light of the candles that were being lit all over the room was reflected by the many strands of gold she had in her hair. Her skin looked different from what I remembered but a thousand times less alligator-like than the crocodile had. Quite the contrary was true. She looked more angelic than ever with her high cheekbones and the golden shimmer of her skin.

She was the personification of youth. Not a single wrinkle graced her face as if time had stood still for her, as if she had seduced Chronos, the god of time, who had enough mercy for his lover to spare her from bereaving her of her youth and beauty.

She was so beautiful it nearly hurt seeing her.

Not a single sentence was formed in my mind that made any sense. Not that I could talk anyway. My mouth was dry, my tongue felt numb. It felt like I had a frog in my throat.

She was watching me closely too. An amused smile decorated her face. I wondered what she saw in me now. While she looked like no time has gone by, I could feel myself aging with every second. Compared to her, I had to look older than dirt. And I guess, I was.

My wrinkles got more and more and they grew deeper over the years. It was over a year ago that I had found my first grey hair. I had not been able to believe how much time had passed by then and I had not wanted to accept it, had not wanted to admit to myself, how long that we had already been separated. That's why I tore them out every time. I wanted to lie to myself. And the rest of the world.

But every time I looked into the mirror my reflection showed me the truth. It showed me a senescent coward that was full of sorrow and regret.

I could feel the anger rising in me. All those lonely weeks that I had searched for her. All those cold days praying that I would find her. All those agonizing minutes that only my mind has kept me company and that my brain showed me her possibly deaths, her suffering and her torments. All those slowly passing seconds that my remorse was eating me up.

All those times my guilty conscience was weighing me down, my nightmares were haunting me into reality, my sorrow was following me everywhere like a shadow. All those years I have mourned for her. I isolated myself from everyone, from everything.

And she could have stopped all of this. Just knowing that she was alive … I could have found my peace even if she did not want to be with me anymore. But now … seeing her again and realizing that she did not care about anyone of us, that she did not think we were worth knowing that she was okay … it was worse than her being dead. This sounded awful in my head but it was true. She crushed my heart all over again.

„You are alive", I tried to keep a neutral tone. I did not want her to hear any happiness or hopefulness in it. „Of course, I am. Did you ever doubt it? Weren't you the only one that has still been looking for me?" She had made a step towards me and was now brushing over my cheek. My hand shot up and I gripped her hand. She looked at me surprised and then smiled at me.

But she had interpreted it wrong. I took her hand away from my cheek and stepped backwards. I could no longer hold my anger back. Did she think we could go back to the way we have been before she devastated me? „Why did you never come back to us?" ‚TO ME' was hanging in the air. I just could not understand it. „Everyone was so worried about you, everyone grieved for you!"

She sat down on her throne-like chair. A glass of wine appeared in her hand. She took a sip. „All of you would have tried to … what would you call it? Save me? Release me from the curse of being the dark one? I did not want anyone of you to change me or bereave me of my powers!" „You sound just like Rumpelstiltskin!" „I am nothing like him. I needed and need my powers for very specific reasons that I cannot tell you. At least not yet."

Her voice was cold, stripped from every emotion. It was a pain in the ass for me to be in here. Everything in me wanted to just run away … no, everything in me was praying this was another nightmare and that I would wake from it soon.

„Calm down, Hook. Drink some rum." At the table before me appeared a flask - which looked a lot like the one I had in Neverland. „I don't want to calm down, Emma. I just don't understand. Can't you just explain to me … why? Why you abandoned us?" Once it was out, I could not be stopped anymore. All the anger I felt was spouting from my mouth. I wanted to hurt her with my words, just like she hurt me with her absence. Her betrayal. Her withdrawal of love and affection.

„Do you have the slightest idea what you have caused? Your boy has cried himself to sleep every time I came back from another pointless search-mission. I never came with good news. His hope was dying little by little, until he had none left. He gave up on seeing you alive again and he was one of the last. He had not left his room for days. He did not eat, he did not talk, he was just sitting in his room starring out of his window. But he pulled himself together, he did not want to disappoint his dead parents. He learned more, trained harder, trying to be braver by going on stupid, dangerous adventures just to grow into a strong young man.

He believed his beloved parents had wanted him to become like them. Fearless, risking his life for the people he loved, being a compassionate ruler. He wanted to become a hero. Do you have any idea what you have missed? His first love - Judy - the time when he finally smiled again, his first heartbreak, his first speech in front of a great audience as ruler in training, his first serious wound … so many times of his live you have been absent. He had needed you to assure him, to ask you about dating tips and to just be there for him.

And I cannot even begin with Neal! He does not even remember his own sister. He was too young when you disappeared and thus has no memory of you - only that your hair has been like the sun. You were not there, when he spoke his first words, made his first steps … Doesn't it affect you? Doesn't it cause you misery, knowing you missed out all of that?"

That was not all I wanted to say. But I held back. I thought I would hurt her more by telling her her son and her brother grew into fine young men without her. She has always cared more for them than for me. But I really wanted to cuss words at her. She destroyed everything. Our future together. My life. My dreams and hopes. I have lost myself along the way. I did not know how I should go on with my life anymore.

She had not stopped me once. She just listened to me. But she seemed to be pissed at me. For telling her the truth? „I never stopped watching over them. I just could not be with them, it would have been too dangerous." She jumped up and walked towards me. „I am not the Emma you knew, and fuck, I don't miss her, she was so weak, always eaten up by her past. But listen to me carefully …" She grabbed me by my collar. „I am not the monster you condemn me to be either."

She turned away from me, her back was facing me. There was a silence between us, that has never been there before. An unscalable wall was set between us. We could no longer understand the other one. It hurt so badly to know I was the only one that still felt something for the other one. She has moved on, without me, without anyone.

What would I give to turn back time, to make all of this undone, to let Rumpelstiltskin kill me. Dying would have been a bearable fate compared to this mess. I would choose being in hell for all eternity instead of this. Everything was turned upside down. Everything was wrong. I just could not bear it any longer. I needed to get out of her.

„Well, love, if you don't mind, my crew is awaiting me." I neared the door from which I came in. I opened it, only to find it bricked up. „Bloody hell, what is this?" „I am sorry, but you cannot go just yet." She was making me go insane. „What am I doing here, Emma? What do you need me for?" „You are here to make a deal with me." „And why would I do that? I have nothing left that you can take from it, that I care about. I just want my peace." „I gave you the chance to fight for your life and I defeated you. You owe me."

„I rather have you finish what you started. Kill me." I was pinned to the brick-wall behind me by an invisible force. I could not move. „If you want it the hard way … I don't have a problem with that, Hook." Whenever she called me Hook, my heart tightened since it was a reminder of the time when she had abandoned me on that beanstalk, when she had hit me into unconsciousness, when we had sort of been enemies. And I guess we were again.

She was approaching me. „You always were stubborn." Her face was so near to mine that I could feel her hot breath on my skin. Every hair on my body was upright. I hated what effect she still had on me after everything she has caused, after everything I and everyone else have gone through. But I could not hate her. I would never be able to feel any hatred towards her. I just hated what she had become … because of me.

„I am sorry, but you have no choice in the matter whether you make a deal with me or not. You will be my prisoner until you agree." She crushed her lips on mine. Although my mind was shouting at me, to fight her, to push her away (which was silly since I was at Emma's mercy), I responded to the kiss. She still tasted the same. Her sweet smell was intoxicating and it was clouding my mind.

I wanted to grab her, to bring us closer together, but my arms would not move. She broke the kiss and was grinning at me. My vision got blurry. My head was spinning. Before everything went black, I thought I heard her say: „See you soon … Killian."

—

When I woke up, my head felt like it was exploding. The sunlight that shone through the porthole felt like it was burning my eyes. I quickly shut them again and placed my hands over them so that another layer was between my eyes and that bloody laser-like sunlight. After a few minutes I tried it again, with the same effect. It took me several tries to get used to this kind of pain.

I sat up and regretted it the instance I did. There was still this terrible heartache. I could feel my stomach turning because of the pain. Nonetheless, I stood up and took a look around. The cabin was almost as huge as the captain's quarters on the Jolly Rodger. How large was this fucking vessel? It certainly had not looked this huge from the outside.

Every sway of the ship felt like an earthquake to me, bereaving me of my balance. I fought my way to the mirror and the bowl with water. I was ashen-faced. I dipped my head in the cold water, only then had I realized how hot my skin was.

What had this bloody siren done to me? Felt like she poisoned me with her kiss. It seemed like there were no limits to her magic. I wonder what prices she had to pay over the years, not that she cared about them anyway.

I stumbled to the only door in the room. To my surprise it was unlocked. I opened the door and stepped into a corridor. I was gaping since I could not believe that we were still on the ship. There were so many doors, leading to god knows what. Magic. It twisted everything.

I steadied myself on the wall. Every step cost so much of my strength. I could feel sweat dripping from my forehead. I was sliding alongside the wall. Whenever I came across a door, I opened it, not caring whom I might find on the other side. I just wanted to leave this fucking ship.

But they were all empty. Many of them looked exactly like the cabin I came from. Why did she need so much space? For whom? Surely not for prisoners, they would live more royal and luxurious than a king. Every minute I spent on this ship, I had more questions and no answers to them. It was so frustrating.

I went around another corner. Everything looked the same. I could not tell if I have already been here, if I was going around in a circuit. I was beginning to think that this was a labyrinth that she trapped me in until I agreed to make a deal with her. Or until I was going nuts. Maybe whatever came first.

I slammed other doors open, not even caring to close them again. Cabin after cabin. After what felt like hours I made a break. I was breathing heavily. My heart was beating fast. I have never in my whole life felt so exhausted. I let myself sink against the wall and I slid to the floor. I clamped my head between my knees and took huge breaths until I could feel my heartbeat slowing.

When I tried to get up, I could not. Every muscle in my body was screaming at me because of exhaustion. But I could not give up, I would never surrender to her. Not because of making a silly deal. Maybe if she simply had asked me to help her, I would have agreed (unless it was something like killing). Didn't she see, that she reminded me too much of the dark one? I knew that theoretically she was the dark one, but I have never pictured her as such. I had always believed, that for me she would always stay Emma. But I was wrong. She was exactly like Rumpelstiltskin. I have created a ruthless monster by suggesting to take her heart out.

I was crawling my way forward. I reached another door and for a wonder my hand bumped against steps. I looked up and saw stairs in front of me. With the last strength I had left, I hoisted myself up. Taking the steps felt like climbing a huge mountain. For every single step I had to overcome my depletion. And then suddenly I had reached the last one. Another door was in front of me. I prayed that it would not lead into another corridor.

I sighed and opened it. It lead onto deck. I could not see anyone (or anything for that matter) because thick mist has swallowed the ship. I had my arms outstretched, so that I would not hit something. I only had to find the plank that connected the Jolly Rodger and this bloody vessel. Once I would be on the Jolly we would set sail and vanquish off the face of the earth.

I had goosebumps since there was no one on this ship. With the mist it reminded me of a ghost ship. It took me some time but I finally found the plank. It lead into nothingness. But I was sure that behind this wall of fog was the Jolly Rodger. It had to be there.

I stepped onto the plank and fought for balance. I had nearly lost it, if someone had not gripped me. I looked up to find Emma standing beside me. She was wearing jeans and a red leather jacket. She almost looked the same like when I had met her. I must have looked puzzled since she said: „No need in hiding anymore." She smiled at me. „Let me go, Emma." „I can't. I need you." My heart was beating faster. I hated that these three little words had so much effect on me. I would have given up everything for her including my own life. I loved her and I still did. That one thing was clear now.

„Just listen to the deal I am offering you." I only nodded. „You will finally get the answers you have been awaiting for so long." „What do you want as payment?" „You have to do everything I ask you to without questioning me and I promise you won't have to kill someone unless you want to." „What do I have to do?" „I cannot tell you yet. But only you can help me. Do we have a deal?" She offered me her hand. Without overthinking it, I accepted it. Once I did, the mist lifted. I looked behind me. There was nothing there except the ocean. I would have fallen into it if I had declined her offer.

Either she did not care if I lived or died or she knew that I would accept. I guess I will never know.

„Don't worry, you will see the Jolly Rodger again. Smee is your deputy as long as you are being needed here." We both stepped onto the ship again.

„We will set sail instantly. Our mission is about to begin." I wondered what lay ahead of us, what she wanted me to do. But someday I would get my answers. Maybe I would even understand her actions. I could only hope for the best.

—

I was sitting in the dinning room. Different kinds of meals from all over the Enchanted Forest were placed in front of me, there were even some burgers and potato-wedges, my favorite food in Storybrooke. I was chewing the food, enjoying every bit of it. It has been some time ago, that I had something so delicious between my teeth. I had had a hunger in me that could only be satisfied by fries and red meat. A drink appeared next to me. I took a sip, it nearly tasted like coke.

I ate and drank until I could no longer stand seeing food because I was so stuffed. I had not eaten this much in days.

I had been alone in the room until now. Emma was bursting into the room. „I hope you have strengthened yourself because there is a clue to our mission. I am being summoned and you are coming with me." „Where are we going?" „You will see. Hold my hand, I am teleporting us there with magic." I took her hand. Purple mist was surrounding us, I could feel the floor below us disappearing. And then seconds later I fell to the floor. This time we were outside. I felt queasy. I have never travelled like this before and bloody hell, I hated it.

Emma helped me up, I was knocking off the dirt from my clothes. When I looked up, I startled. We were being surrounded.


	6. I've acquired a kind of madness

WARNING: A rather dark chapter!

Hope you like it :)

Chapter 6 - I've acquired a kind of madness:

We were outnumbered. There were about 15 men, dressed in full armor. Black armor. All of them were carrying more than one weapon, which were all pointed at us. I could not make out a single face, since their faces were hidden underneath black, massive helmets. The moonlight was reflected by their armor, making them glow mystically. I could not even tell if they were human or ghosts (my vivid imagination making me see things due to the fog and the light). I shivered.

I could see that we were standing in the middle of a clearing of a now dark looking forest since it was night. I could not understand why Emma would have brought us here. What were we doing in the middle of a forrest? What could she possibly want here? Did she expect our counterparts?

„Don't make a wrong move. Consider this as your first and only warning. One false movement… We won't hesitate to stab you", their - I assumed - leader threatened us. He had a dark and low voice, which was muffled by the helmet. A few of the others growled from under their helmets as if to agree to what their leader has said. Some of them even made a step towards us, as if they were only waiting for us to do something silly.

Every muscle in my body was tensed. I felt like an animal that was about to be slaughtered. Sweat was running down my body. I was exacting making sure not to move. My eyes wandered around, always looking for movement, for a sneaky attack. When they would seize us, I would be ready to fight. I had hundreds of years of training ahead of them. I would not go down without fighting. I would take down with me as many as possible. I would bore my hook in their hearts.

Without my head moving, I took a look at Emma. She stood calmly next to me as if we were about to have a tea-party with the surrounding men instead of fighting for our lives. And then, she began to laugh. A mad, ear-splitting laugh. Looked like the curse of being the dark one had led her to be not right in the head anymore.

And then all of a sudden their weapons were ripped out of their hands and floating over their heads. Magically. Of course, how could I have forgotten. With another snip of Emma's fingers, all of their helmets disappeared, revealing faces distorted with fear. By taking a closer look, I could also see that many of them had black bumps and open wounds all over their faces. They looked ill and starved. I guess, I got the point of the helmets after all.

But they had so much courage. None of them tried to escape. „How foolish of you to raise your weapons against me. Didn't you know who you summoned? It was just a waste of effort on your side. But today I am generous, I won't harm any of you." Many of them looked relieved. The tension was broken. But then Emma spoke again: „IF …" Everyone clenched their fists and gritted their teeth. „If you are willingly to tell me what I want to know, what has been part of our deal. Do you have the information I seek, Lorentz?" „We only tell if you handle us the cure to this disease beforehand." „I don't think you are in the position to make demands." She glared at them angrily. It seemed she still could not control her emotions very well.

„Very well. Follow me." Emma did not hesitate to ensue him. But what could happen to us anyway? Emma was a freaking super-witch. We were walking a few miles before we came to a halt in front of what looked like a cave. This trip was getting curiouser and curiouser. „Rumor has it, they hid …" The guy with the low voice gave me a look which I could not decipher. Was he suspicious of me? I could not conjure and I did not carry a single weapon with me, well except my hook. Shouldn't he be more concerned about Emma?

„…it down there. My men explored the tunnels but there was a magic barrier there which they could not overcome. That's where you have to go." I could see that the rest of his men, had followed us too. „Our part of the deal is fulfilled, now give us the cure."

Emma chuckled. „Before I don't have it in my hands, you won't get anything." She snipped with her fingers again. Out of nowhere appeared iron cages, that were sinking down from the sky in such rapid speed that none of the men could avoid their fate. „You tricked us." „I am only making sure that you don't lead me into a trap. There are many people who want me gone." „I wonder why, you are such a charming lady." I respected the guy for his guts. If our positions were reversed, I would not have had the courage to make fun of her.

„It better be down there for your sake and the sake of your loved ones. Nothing down there, no cure, understood, body?" He did not respond anything.

Without another word Emma grabbed me by my leather coat and pulled me into the entrance of the tunnel.

—

Darkness was surrounding us. I could not even see my own hands before my eyes. Although I could not see Emma, I was reminded by her presence through a light pull in certain directions. Sometimes we turned left, sometimes we turned right. I was just stumbling, not caring where we were going. After a while I could not stand the darkness anymore.

„Not everyone of us, has cat-eyes, can you please make light, love?" „Of course, I had totally forgotten." A torch was being lit. I could see a few inches long, but nothing past the light circle. She had not even paused, she had just continued walking. I was a bit startled and had stopped going after her, but when the light left me, I hurried after her. She went so fast, I had difficulties in following her. „Why are we here anyway? And how do you bloody know where we are going?"

„If they told the truth, then the one thing I have been looking for for over a year now, is in here." „What is it?" She just ignored my question. „I can feel the magic barrier they have talked about. We are close. You better be ready for a fight, Hook, since I do not know what lies ahead of us." Again she called me Hook. I hated it every time that stupid monicker came out of her mouth. She was mocking me, I could tell. She sensed how much I despised it and yet, she kept calling me ‚Hook' as if we were strangers again, as if we had no past together.

She suddenly came to a stop. She handed me the torch. She was doing weird things with her hands, looked like she was winking at someone. And then I realized that she probably brushed over the magic wall everyone talked about. If she had not stopped, I would have bumped into an invisible wall. And people really wondered why I loathed magic so much?

„I can hold it open, but I cannot go through. You have to go alone." She could not be serious. We were on this mission of hers that she has not clued me up about. The guys in the cages out there, knew more about what we were trying to find than I did. „Whoa, hold it there, I don't even know what I should look for." „It's a simple wooden box, something is engraved on the cap of the box." „What is in this box?" She turned to face me. „We don't have time for explaining. I won't be able to hold a loophole open for ever. Just hurry, okay?"

Her arms were stretched out, she was murmuring some words I did not know. Her eyes were closed. Just like in one of the many witch/wizard-movies I had watched with Henry back in Storybrooke. It gave me chills to hear her say those unknown, magical words.

All of a sudden, I was pushed forward. My head bumped into something. I would surely get a huge bruise from this. I cursed. The next time I was pushed forward, I nudged. I was through that bloody wall. I turned around. I could not even see Emma. „You could have at least made the loophole my height!" No answer. I guess, she was too busy whispering those spell of hers.

The torch lit my way. I could hear noises but did not bother to fathom them. I just wanted to get ahold of this fucking box and get out of here. I hated being underground, I felt a bit claustrophobic and it was hard to breathe (just my imagination, I guess).

I took a few steps. All at once there was a tremor, which led to me landing on the floor. The torch glided over the floor. Within seconds the room was alit. My hands were drenched in a sticky fluid, must be a flammable substance. I was lucky I did not get burnt. Now there were flames everywhere. I got up and looked around. It was a huge underground throne room, everything was completely made out of stone.

Another shock of earthquake made me stumble but this time I gained my balance back before falling. I had to hurry. I searched everywhere for the box but there was nothing in there. Not even under the throne. I even swept the wall behind the throne to search for a hidden mechanism that would open some secret door or hiding place for something as small as a box.

With every convulsion stones got loose from the ceiling, crushing down. That had to be the noises I heard. Again, I knelt down und brushed over the surface of the throne to search for anything that could be pushed down. But then a huge fragment fell from the ceiling, I jumped back just in time to not get smashed and buried beneath it. This whole place would collapse soon. We had to get out.

I ran as fast as I have never ran in my whole life, as if a horde of zombies was following me. It felt like forever trying to reach the loophole. I only hoped I did not run into it. But then another massive stone revolted from the ceiling, when it lay on the floor, I could only see half of it. So the other half had to be on the other side of the invisible barrier.

I slowed down and tired to figure out where the loophole was. I felt so relieved when I stepped through it. Emma was still saying words aloud that I could not understand. I shook her lightly. She opened her eyes. „Did you get it?" „No, there was nothing in there. It must have been a trap to burry you in there alive." She did not even seem to register what I have said. „You have to go back. It must be in there."

„Emma, listen to me, it is not here. This place is about to collapse over our heads. We have to get out." As if to support my sentence another quake shook the floor. She shook her head violently. „It does not make sense. It has to be here." „Emma, we have to get out. It is not worth it, getting our bones smashed." A boulder was about to hit us, but I pushed us out of the way. „Emma, you have to get us out. We won't make it in time. I promise you, the box you are searching for, is not here."

She closed her eyes. I could see a single tear trickling over her skin. So she was still able to feel something after all. I was so shocked to see a hint of humanity left in her. I had already given up on seeing her act like a human. I had to learn the truth about that mysterious box. What was in there? A way for her to get more powerful? To control people? Or maybe … her heart?

Purple mist was surrounding us and we finally were brought out of that doomed tunnel system.

—

We appeared in front of the cages. Emma still looked depressed and heart-broken, but seeing her … prisoners changed her attitude. I could see another set of emotion. Hate, anger, lust for revenge.

She approached the cages and made one of them disappear. She grabbed the leader and strangled him. „You lied to me." Fear was in his eyes. „You led me into a trap. Who wanted you to do this?" His gaze wandered to one of his companions who shook his head barely noticeable.

„TALK! Or he dies!" She ripped the heart out of the one who had shook his head. The glow of the heart was the only color in this dark night. The leader dropped his gaze, his lips were still sealed. „You think I am bluffing?" She applied pressure on the heart, the poor guy instantly broke down, his face twisted with pain. He tried to hold back to scream but he could not.

„Stop it. We don't know who they were. They just promised us to give us the cure if we showed you the entrance." „Do I look like I am naive to you? I don't believe you." „But it is the truth." „Well … let's see if you still insist on that version if your friend is dead."

Without a second thought, she crushed it in front of everyone. They guy was instantly dead. Everyone was shocked, me included. How could she just kill someone? Even if they had not told the truth, it still would not justify the death of that guy.

„He would have died due to the illness anyway." „You are a monster." „Now tell me the truth." „I have nothing left to say to you, you won't not believe me anyway." „Then you are all doomed." She wrung his neck and let him fall to the floor.

She took a sword from the dead body and stepped to the second cage. It disappeared and she just stabbed one after the other. She was blood-smeared.

When I finally broke away from my torpor, I hurried to her. I took the sword from her, she let me do it, as if she had waited for me to stop her. But then she pushed me away. „Get out of the way, Hook. I got this." I had fallen onto the floor. Again. Landing in a pool of blood.

„Emma, you have to stop! For your own sake! You are no killer." „You confuse me for someone with remorse. None of this matters to me, NONE OF IT." I made her trip over my foot. She landed on the floor, which gave some survivors the chance to flee. I straddled her and pushed her hands onto the floor hardly. Even in her face were splatters of blood.

I have been wrong.

„People die around you, how can it not matter to you? It matters and you know it!" She just starred at me with her eyes wide open. „There is nothing human left in you. No good, no kindness, no love. Only a monster that must be stopped!"

She pushed me off of her. „You don't understand. This box is just very important to me. I need to get it back." So she had been in the possession of it before. This was more and more pointing in the direction of her heart being in it. „What's in it, then?" „You are not ready to know." „I can handle it."

„Let's just get back to the ship." She took my hand. Again pink mist was surrounding us and the floor was disappearing underneath our feet. This time it felt like I upset my stomach. I bend over the railing and emptied my stomach. I hated traveling with magic.

When I turned around, I was alone. She had disappeared. I did not try to search her, she did not want to be found that was clear. I walked under deck and went in one of the many cabins. I lay down, closed my eyes and tried to sleep. But sleep would not come.

I had the images in my mind as she ruthlessly killed those men. Like a beast that was hungry for human flesh. Like a fiend that could not be stopped.

I tossed and turned for hours. And then I finally found sleep.

—

Flashback: Storybrooke

„I don't understand. How can he be gone? How can he be dead?" Belle said, sitting on the masterbed in her home with Rumpelstiltskin. Her hair protruded in all directions. I had something to drink and something to eat with me. Who knew how long the crocodile has locked her up in here, before he went after me.

I tried to convince her to eat something, but she just starred at me, accusingly. „You … you killed him! You promised me, you would never go after him! You have made peace with him. You monster!"

She hit me with her fists half-heartedly and sobbed. I did not stop her since it did not hurt. She had just lost her husband, I could understand her. I knew the pain that she was going through. You felt lost, like a part of yourself had died with your lover.

Suddenly, Emma stepped into the room. You could not see her face, since she her gaze was on the floor and her hair hang in front of her face. „Belle, stop. Please." Belle looked up, her eyes red from crying. „Don't you dare to defend him! He killed Rumpel!"

„No, he did not. I did." Belle stopped to punch me. Instead she starred at Emma as if she was seeing a ghost. „I am so sorry. I was just protecting Killian … I never meant to hurt him." „You did not hurt him, you killed him! You killed Rumpelstiltskin, you are a cruel murderer." Emma was shaking. I knew that she was crying. She had been ever since she realized what she had done. She had never killed before.

I knew the feeling. At first, you felt relieved that the enemy was gone, then you felt regret. Regret, that you played god and decided to take someone's life. After a while, all you feel is guilt. No matter how good the reason was to kill your opponent, you will always feel guilty. Guilty for choosing the easy way, for just bereaving him of his life.

Even if the someone was Rumpelstiltskin. A man who had lived for hundreds of years, who did everything to get more power, who destroyed so many lives with his magic, who persuaded someone else to do his dirty work and curse a whole kingdom to spend 28 years frozen in time in another realm.

But he was a human being after all. He had reasons for his evil ways, he wanted his son back. Emma's past lover. He had a wife that he loved, that loved him back.

When you realize, you have destroyed someone else's life by taking their beloved ones from them, that's the point were all you want is to die because your guilt is haunting you, you cannot even sleep.

„I know what I did was wrong. I just reacted on impulse. I wanted to save Killian. Mr. Gold would have killed him." „I don't want to hear your excuses, just get out! I don't want to see any of you anymore. I hope you are able to live with the sin you have committed because I could not."

Emma stormed out of the house, I ran after her. It took me a few meters to catch up to her. „Emma, wait!" „She is right. I am a murderer. I killed him and it was no accident, I did it on purpose. I did not think about the consequences, I just acted." She was sobbing. I pulled her into my arms.

„Emma, he was not right in his head anymore. You saved me. I would have done the same to save you." „I am so glad, you are alive, but I regret the way I saved you. How am I supposed to go on? My crime is haunting me into my dreams, my reality is a nightmare. I cannot even look into the mirror without seeing a beast that should better be stopped, that should be looked up. I am a threat to everyone in Storybrooke."

„With time it will get easier to live with such a burden, believe me, I have been there. I will help you through this."

—

She has changed so much. Killing was no crime to her anymore. She did not think about the people who would never ever going to see their father, husband, brother, friend again. Killing was a way for her to deal with things now, to punish people, to get what she wanted, to get other people talking.

I have seen the bloodlust in her eyes and I did not stop her. How can I go on with my life, knowing that I was the reason for her black soul?

Was I ready to fulfill my deal with her? Was it that important to finally get to know the truth when she could not be saved anymore? I could not reach my beloved Emma anymore and I began hating the monster that has replaced her. She looked and talked like her, but it was not truly her. She was fully gone and for that I hated her.

She succeeded. I was finally able to hate her now.

But still … I needed to know the truth. I had to get it, whether she told me or not. I just had to play her game. I would work against her without her realizing it.

And when I got the box and her heart was in it … I was going to put it back where it belonged.

If not I would take my own life, since I could not kill her. I would never be able to hurt her, even if she was just the remains of the woman I have once loved.


	7. Secrets are mine to keep

Sorry guys that it took me so long! But I have kind of lost inspiration for the story and I had a barrier for some time. I hope you like the new chapter! Thank you for following, favoriting and reviewing this story :)

Chapter 7: Secrets are mine to keep

Emma:

I was lying in my bed that was way too big for someone who was sleeping in it alone. I did not know why I chose it because it always reminded me of what I left behind, what I have lost. I was starring at the ceiling, not knowing what else I could do in here. It was the most useless room on board since I have not slept for a year, ever since they took IT from me.

I knew Killian was condemning me for killing those men and deep down everything in me was screaming at me for murdering them brutally without thinking. But my conscience has been silent for years, there was only a whisper of it left in me, that reminded me now and again, that my actions were wrong, that I became the monster I feared to get. A beast without a heart, without compassion, just a slaughtering machine that destroyed everything standing in it's way. An animal that was hungry for blood.

Every time I committed a crime (at least, something that was defined as a crime in my head from my past) a part of me, that was still untouched by the darkness was rebelling. I had phantom limbs of my heart convulsing or beating faster, although that hole in me has been empty for a long time. Luckily this part was very small and not very strong, so it never took control. It was not always this weak, but for a year I could barely feel this part of me. And the odd thing was, I kind of missed it. I felt so numb without it. Must be because of associating it with IT. The box. I had to get IT back.

I could not care less about what Killian was thinking of me. The only thing that mattered, was getting IT back. I could not explain it to him, at least not now since I could not foresee his reaction to it. I did not like anything that I could not control and I feared his anger. Once rage overtook him, he was total chaos, which I knew from past events and of legends of him.

The fearsome pirate Captain Hook. I needed more of him and less of Killian if I ever wanted to see IT again. Did he forget that he had been as ruthless as I was now? Killing was not a foreign word to him, he murdered many people too. It angered me to see him condemning me of sins he had committed as well. Didn't he realize that sometimes there was no other choice? That sometimes people deserved their fate?

He was blinded by assuming only the good in people, just like I used to. But this men I killed today, they had deserved to die. Every single one of them was a sinner on his own, be it thieves who stole from the poorest, rapists that did not care whether their victim was a woman or a child or incendiaries that burned down whole villages because they could not stand anyone being richer than them. They were selfish, spoiled and barbarous. That is why they were cursed with that illness from some magician that has been their judge. I never intended to help them, my cure had been poison, killing them within seconds since they only asked for a way to stop their symptoms and nothing was as efficient with delaying the progress of an illness as death. People had to be more careful what they wished for. Such a shame I killed them anyway, I had loved to see their look when they drank the poison and realizing that it was their downfall.

I got up again since I could no longer stand this room. I walked into my huge bath-/dressing-room. I sat in front of my mirror that was enchanted, it showed you anything you wanted to see expect from IT since I had cast a protecting spell over it when it still was in my possession, when I still called IT my own. Sometimes I hated myself for doing it, but I knew if I had not, they would have found IT much sooner.

The mirror showed me Killian leaning over the railing, watching the ocean, although he could not see much since it was the midst of the night. I could see him clearly. He now wore his leather clothes again that he did not wear since long before we all came back into the Enchanted Forest. I always found him appealing in them but he looked good in everything. And he was still as handsome as ever. The traces of age looked good on him. It was true that men got more attractive with age, at least it was true for Killian.

I never found another lover that was as good-looking as him but more important I never found a man that was such an extraordinary lover like him. That is why I had stopped having sex with men at all. No one could compete with over 300 years of experience, Killian's list contained uncountable pleased women, including me. It was such a shame that he did not seem to be interested in reviving our sexual relationship. I had often fantasized about him, having his way with me.

But I should not be worrying about such things when I knew I would never be happy without IT. I just hoped they have not figured out how IT worked. It took me long enough to construct IT, many spells were needed, many men were assigned to build pieces of IT, so that no one knew the exact components of it and how they worked together. It took me almost too long to finish it, it had been rather urgent. Nonetheless, they had it now for a year, surely I had not much time left, maybe it was even too late now. I would and could never forgive myself!

If I wanted to find it, Killian and I had to work together, once he understood the importance of the content of the box, he had to be on my side and not like now, plotting against me. I knew that he did not trust me and that he still searched for a way to urgh! save me, I could see it in his eyes, the way his eyes lingered on me when he thought I was not looking. He still wanted to find the old Emma, but she was gone. Once he accepts that, we will get along quite nicely.

I knew what was inside the box, but my memories about the time it was in my possession was foggy, I seemed to have put a spell on me too. Maybe I thought this memories were too dangerous or that with them I would never achieve getting IT back. Maybe that was also the reason why the traces of good in me shut up as well. Every cell in my body wanted to get the box in my hands again, no matter the cost.

I needed to bring Killian on my side. But how? His trust in me seemed to be shattered beyond repair. I looked back into the mirror, seeing my flawless face. The eyes in the reflection of the mirror turned dark with black veins protruding prominently under her eyes. It looked like a vampire from one of this teenage series back in the modern world. My reflection was grinning at me and the other Emma, the dark Emma that had haunted me the first months of my existence as dark one until I let go of my emotions and embraced the darkness, was beginning to talk.

„Hello, dear, did you miss me? Some time, no talk. I rather grew impatient, being locked behind the wall of yours." „I have not needed your advice in a long time." „I noticed", she hissed like a snake. „So, how can I help you?" „You know what I want, you are a part of me." „I am the part you locked away for all those years since we got here in the Enchanted Forest." „Don't hold a grudge against me. I have been busy." „You enchanted our mind, so that** I **can not remember. You want to protect IT from **me**. Since you were able to overhear me, to ignore me, you have not been at your darkest. Whatever you hide in that box of yours, that is making you weak, you better get rid of it, destroy it, that is my advice."

„I can handle that topic on my own, I need your consult on something quite different." „It's about that pirate of your's, isn't it? How did he find you? You swore to me, you would never see him again. That was the deal for **me** keeping him alive. I knew we should have killed him or left him there to rot in Storybrooke." „Plans changed. He is of value to us. You may not remember what is in the box, but I do." „Then tell me, Emma, you know you can trust me." „Do you think I am foolish? You hurt Henry." „It was to show you, who you really are! That your family fears you and does not understand you." „I have learned my lesson, believe me."

„So what do you want from me then, dear Emma?" „I need him on my side, but thanks to you, he does not trust me." She now was laughing an inhumanly, deafening chuckle. „You are asking me about how to seduce him? Aren't you the fucking whore under us?" „Watch your language or you'll be put behind the wall in no time. And that is not what I meant. I need him to believe in me again." „Well, then show him what he truly wishes for." „And what would that be?" „You, of course. Well, rather this other version of you that he so carves for to regain. The woman he fell in love with, the woman he married."

„But this person I am no longer." „Darling, you and I both know you can be quite the actress. Just play his game, show him how human you can be, that he still has something to hope for." „But I don't want to give him a false impression." „Since when did you become to care again? You have banned me for too long, dearie." I could not answer anything to that because I was just as surprised as she was. Had I begun caring for him again? Why was it important for me to not lie to him?

„I have to admit, Emma, the last years I really missed Rumpelstiltskin", as she said that my reflection turned into Gold's self but rather like his dark one form here in the Enchanted Forest. „He was so much easier to manipulate and boy, that guy longed for power. He always chose him and me over anything else. Not even his feelings for that innocent girl got in the way. He would have killed Killian, if you had not stopped him, he would have absorbed your magic without blinking once. But he was so weak on the inside. You on the other hand have so much potential, so much magic of your own. You could rule the whole dynasty, this world as well as the world you fled."

„Too bad he is gone and I have you under control." Suddenly, she turned into Gold as he looked on the day he attacked Killian. „Not the day he attacked Killian, the day you killed him." Blood was beginning to run out of his eyes, his nose. I could no longer look at the mirror, because something was nagging at me in the inside of my brain. „I only want to warn you, Emma, that when you find the box, it will be your downfall. It's when I will put you behind this wall and you can scream and cry as long as you want but no one will hear you. Because on that day you will be confronted with all the crimes you have committed and you will become those whimpering girl again, that was praying for her salvation, for her death. When guilt once more will overcome you …. THEN I WILL TAKE OVER." The mirror smashed into thousands of little pieces, cutting my skin, but the scratches healed instantly, only leaving the dried blood on my face. I was not afraid of the voices anymore, they had always threatened me, so it was no surprise to me that they went all drama-queen again.

I had always hated those voices in my head, I did not even know why I had asked them anyway. Maybe to confirm what I really should not do: trying to be someone I was no longer. I had to show him that I was not the villain he thought me to be. I had to proof him wrong.

—

Killian:

It was a calm night, the ocean seemed to be unmoving. Starlight was brightening the dark night, the moon was reflected on the surface of the ocean. There were not many nights like this. Most of the time, the ocean was unsettled like Triton was still searching for his lost daughter. The daughter he loved the most, the daughter that was unlike all the others. The daughter he wished the best the world had to offer and yet, she was the daughter he could not save in the end. I always imagined the waves of the oceans creating foam being her - the mermaid that turned into a human for love and would rather die than to kill the man she loved. In the end she lost her life but gained a soul. The tale of the little mermaid always made me sad.

I took a sip of rum, I could feel its heat traveling down my esophagitis. It was burning all the way down. I had always enjoyed a good rum, the taste of it exploding in my mouth. It had been my salvation after Liam's death, granting me a few hours without thinking of him, without condemning me for his death. It was my elixir after Milah was murdered, finding my will for life for a short amount of time. It was the cure to all the sins I have committed since the rum convinced me it was the right decision. But after I thought Emma was dead, it was different. I despised the rum since it worked no more. My memories would intensify after a few shots of rum. She was always haunting me, I never had a break, my will for surviving was extinct. Not even the rum could change it anymore.

And now drinking that devil's brew, it only reminded me of all the times, I saw her ghost, mocking me, blood-smeared and pale as snow, with eyes shallow and without a soul. But I became addicted to the rum nonetheless since it was the only chance to see her again - even if she was a zombie most of the time.

I heard a door squeaking because of being opened. I did not turn around, I did not want to look welcoming, I was in no mood for talking. I rather spent my time with the unreal zombie-Emma than with the real monster-Emma. Every time I saw her now, felt like my heart being crushed over and over and over again. I would never be freed of those images in the woods, where she slaughtered those men. Maybe her appearance did not change from the outside, but in the inside I was sure she was rotting like I have always seen her in my drunken-daydreams. With every new crime she lost more and more of her soul, until it was gone.

Even if I found her heart, I doubted I could save her. I doubted anyone could save her. I was already giving up, I was throwing the towel. Maybe I should convince her to kill me now and here, it would be the easier way for me. Maybe the truth did not matter anyway. Could it explain everything? Could the truth really clear her of all her sins? I highly doubted that.

And even if there was a way to save her, it would never be the same again. I saw her with different eyes now although I knew that she was not responsible for it. The dark magic inside of her has destroyed her bit by bit.

Oh, how I wish I could turn back time or rather relive our past. I have never been happier than when I spent my time with her.

When I closed my eyes, I still could see her, walking towards me in that beautiful white dress, her arms linked with her father's. There were many people at our wedding but I had only eyes for her. My eyes never left hers, as she was slowly striding towards me. Her smile the most beautiful thing there ever was. She was glowing, I knew that she was as happy as I was. I felt like floating, like I was in a dream. A dream that I never wanted to wake from.

She was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was full of dreams and wishes for our future. Dreams that turned into the worst kinds of nightmares. Wishes that never came true, that I have lost along the way.

But I still hung on to the moment she said yes to me, the moment she became my wife, the moment she promised me her everlasting love. I still could remember her words, like our wedding has been yesterday.

„Killian Jones, I remember once how I told you I did not believe in soul mates. I will never forget your reaction. Shocked and a little hurt that I did not think we were. But as time went by, your love made me believe. Today I can tell you, YOU are my soulmate, you are my everything. You are my light, and you've shown me more love than I've ever know me better than anyone else in this world and somehow still you manage to love me. You are my best friend and my one true love. There is still a part of me today that cannot believe that I'm the one who gets to marry you.

There is no emotion for what I feel today - and every day - about you. I can't imagine my life without you. I can't imagine a New Year's Eve where you aren't there to kiss me at midnight or a sunny weekend where we don't go on some big adventure or saving Storybrooke from something evil and I don't want to have to miss you ever again.

I know you will always have my back. I am proud to take you as my husband. For all the time we have been together, there has always been the kind of mutual understanding which is only shared when there is true love. You have helped me triumph over challenges presented, encouraged my personal growth and boosted my have helped me become the person I am today,

And with your help, I will be a better person tomorrow than I was yesterday.

On this day I give you my heart,

My promise,that I will walk with you,

Hand in hand, Wherever our journey leads us,

Living, learning, loving,

Together,

Forever."

My mind guarded those words like gold, having instant recall of them whenever I needed them to comfort me, to proof to me that what we had had was true and pure. I won't lie - those words always brings me close to tears because I know what I have lost. Our future. My one true love.

But because recalling those words now, I knew that I could not give up. I had to try and if it was the last thing I did. I could not let her down. She was counting on me to bring light in her life again.

Suddenly, a noise was interrupting my thoughts. I turned around and for a short moment, I thought there she was standing in her wedding gown. The wind was blowing and the dress was floating with it. But after closing my eyes and opening them again, she wore only a plain white night gown.

And yet this vision still made my heart freeze because of the sadness and sorrow that was overwhelming me.

„Care to share your drink with me, Captain?" She was smirking at me. „I am in no mood for drinking or you. Go help yourself, you can have it all to yourself." I wanted to storm past her, I did not want to let her see my weakness. But she stopped me. „There is no fun in drinking on your own, you know that." She took the bottle from my hand and took a huge sip of it.

She leaned against the railing, watching me closely. „Don't be like this. I know I have made mistakes in my past, not coming back and all that stuff but I have had my reasons. And…" She knew I was going to interrupt her, but her gaze told me to shut up. „once you get to know the truth, I promise you, that you will understand it. The content of the box has nothing to do with gaining power or enslaving people. I won't lie, the box on itself was created with magic - light as well as dark magic - but only to ensure the safety of the content. It is the most important thing to me to get it back and you are the only one that I trust enough to help me with it."

„Why me, Emma? Why not your parents or your son? Or Ruby or Regina? All of them have powers that I can not offer you." „It needed to be you because you are the only that never gave up on me, that still had hope to one day see me again. You are the only person that held onto me, you are the only person that will understand. I truly wish that we could start over or at least forget our differences from the past for the time being."

I walked over to her and leaned against the railing a few millimeters away from her. She offered me the bottle and I took it. I drank the rum and we just sat next to each other in silence.

„So where are we heading anyway, now that the box was not in that cave?" „I know just the person who can locate it. She is the only hope I have left of ever seeing the box again." „Then what are we waiting for?" „You getting sober." I lightly bumped my elbow into her sides. „Darling, if you recall, I am a pirate. I can not operate without being drunk. It's part of my job description." „Well, then raise your glass, pirate." Another bottle appeared in her hand, our glasses touched and we both drank.

After a while it felt like no time has gone by. We were laughing and joking and I could see a part in her, that I thought has been extinct completely. She even asked me to dance with her, which turned into singing silly pirate songs and jumping on deck. She ran over deck and into the corridors of this huge, fucking ship. She was laughing and I was chasing her, just like the one fatal day that had started it all. But again it showed me that she was still there! Maybe she did not even realize it herself, but I could make her and I would.

She disappeared into a dark room, once I followed her, I was gaping. It looked like a underground hot spring. I could not even tell if we were still on the ship or if she had transported us again. Maybe I was so drunk I did not feel the effects of transporting with magic or I got used to it by now.

I was so confused by where we were that I had not noticed her absence until then. I looked around and could not catch sight of her. I walked closer to the pool of hot wetness in front of me. „Emma?" I called out but only got my echo back as answer.

Suddenly, I was pushed into the hot spring. Hot water was surrounding me. When I emerged, Emma was chuckling. „Just you wait, my friend!" I grabbed her around her hips and pulled her into the water with me. She was swimming in front of me, her smile as beautiful as ever. „Do you like it here? Isn't it a wonderful place?"

„Is this part of the ship?" „Yeah, I created it with magic." Although I despised magic more than anything, I had to admit that this was pretty cool. All of a sudden, she came to a halt and I bumped into her. Her face was inches away from mine, her breath cool against my hot skin. If she leaned a little closer, our lips would be touching. Did I really want her to kiss me? Of course, I did. I have waited years to be reunited with her.

Her eyes were locked with mine, as if she was waiting for me to make a move. But I just could not bring myself to kiss her, although I carved for her touch. I still was hurt and I still felt betrayed by her. I needed time to close this wounds. „We should better head back. I need to sleep off the alcohol or else you can forget me tomorrow." I pulled away from her and swam back. I heard her following me.

Once we both were out of the water, we stepped through the door and were back in the corridor. „Thanks for a funny evening, Killian. Hadn't had those in a while." She turned to leave, but came back to kiss me on my cheek. She smiled at me and walked away.

Where her lips had touched my skin, the skin was still tickling.

Only after a few minutes, it hit me. She had called me Killian.


End file.
